Rusted Armour And A Broken Knight
by defyngravity
Summary: Ed Green has always kept his life and work seperated. He demands it. But one can only keep the two seperate for so long...what happens when they become one? Mainly LO: Original Flavor. Crossover with LO:SVU and CI. Reviews appriciated! 1 of 3
1. Collide

**AN: So first off, I do not own Law and Order or it's characters, etc etc. Those "extra" characters and "Misha" are mine.  
The chapter titles are songs, and therefore belong to the artist credited to them. If it's wrong, tell me and I'll fix it.  
I'm in the process of my final edit, as the chapters become ready, they will be posted. This was writen months ago, before the finale and so the characters are the same as they were...same for the news of the cast shake-ups coming. Please be warned that there is strong language at points in my story. Don't read if you don't wanna see it.****  
**

**Collide**

"_Even the best fall down sometimes__  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills your mind__  
You finally find__You and I collide."_

_Howie Day_

Detectives Joe Fontana and Ed Green were at their desks playing table football with a piece of paper folded into a triangle. Joe sent the "football" flying and got Ed in the face. He burst out laughing and Ed had to join. Lieutenant Anita Van Buren emerged from her office. "Green, Fontana." The two men looked up from their desks. She motioned to her office, and they got up and followed her in. She shut the door behind them. "There's been a shooting at The Blue Moon." She said, crossing her arms and leaning against her desk.

"That's Johnson's club," Ed said matter-of-factly, glancing from his partner to his Lieutenant.

"He slipped." Joe added.

"I don't know the details, so head out and see what happened." The detectives nodded and went for the door.

"Ed." She said. The men stopped and looked back. "Do it right and get him this time."

"Oh, we will." Fontana said smugly. "Eddie-boy's gonna to keep his hands to himself today." He gave his partner a look.

Ed rolled his eyes at the reference to his outburst the last time they spoke to Paul Johnson. "He's not getting away, don't worry."

The detectives walked up to the club, passing under the crime scene tape. "Thanks for bringing that all up again back there, Joe." Ed said.

Joe smiled at him. "What are friends for?" Fontana's eyes swept the scene and he nodded to the nearest Crime Scene Unit guy. "What we got?"

"Two dead. A Nathan...no one knows his last name...and Harvey Tate. Nathan has a GSW to the head and chest, Tate got one in the neck. It looks like Tate was just in the way, but we can't be sure yet." The guy said.

"Thanks Perez." Ed replied as he crouched down by Nathan. "Hey Joe, recognize our friend here?"

Joe stepped over. "Yeah, that's Nathan Foster, Johnson's drug runner. Johnson tried to pin the last murder on him."

Ed nodded. "And he was cleared for it all, even the drugs. Guess he can't be blamed for this one."

"Detectives." Another CSU walked out of the back room. "I think you need to call SVU."

"Special Victims? For who?" Joe asked, looking at the dead men.

"I found a woman in the back, it's bad." The CSU said.

"I'll go check on that," Ed said standing up.

"And I'll go speak to the witnesses." Joe replied. Ed walked off while signaling a couple Emergency Medical Transfers hanging around, and Fontana looked over at a uniformed officer. "Any chance Paul Johnson, the owner, is here?"

The Uniform shook his head. "No. According to the bartender, Johnson hasn't been in this morning."

Joe looked around. "So was the place open for business when this all went down?"

"Nope."

"Well take me to the bartender to start with."

Detective Green walked into the back room where a female Uniform was standing by the victim. The two EMT, who'd followed him in, went straight over to the woman. Green pulled out his cellphone and dialed Van Buren.

"Van Buren."

"Hey Lieu, you'd better call up Cragen."

"At least tell me you've got Johnson being questioned." She said.

"No, he's gone."

"Wonderful," she said before hanging up.

He looked at the woman, beaten and bruised, barely conscious. She was lying on an old couch, and someone had given her a blanket. "Det. Green," he introduced himself to the female Uniform. "You touch anything?"

"No Detective." They both stepped out of the way as a CSU stepped in to start collecting evidence.

Not wanting to step on the territory of SVU, Ed made sure things were being taken care of, then walked out front. As he did, Detectives Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler walked in.

"You got here fast." He said, shaking their hands.

"We were nearby." Benson replied. Ed glanced over at the bar where his partner was speaking with the bartender. "So what happened?" Benson asked, stepping past the dead bodies. Her partner followed her and Ed to the back room.

"Not sure. I haven't heard the witnesses stories yet but we got two dead out front and while checking out the scene, CSU stumbled over her. Not sure if it's tied in with the shooting or not." Ed said. The three walked into the back room. Two EMT were lifting the woman onto a stretcher. Olivia went to her side to try and speak with her.

"Ma'am...ma'am can you here me? My name is Detective Olivia Benson, I need you to tell me about your attack. What's your name?" The woman mumbled incoherently. She started trying to sit up. "Ma'am just relax, we need to take you to the hospital." Elliott was on the side speaking with CSU. Ed was about to walk back out to his part of the crime scene.

"Lemme go, I need...I need to go." The woman mumbled. She tried throwing herself off the stretcher, Olivia and Ed jumped and caught her. The woman started struggling more. "Please! I have to get out of here, you can't make me-"

"You're in no shape to go anywhere," Ed said gently. "Let Detective Benson take you to the hospital." The woman, in obvious pain, fell back onto the stretcher. "Good, good, you'll be fine." He said. He gave a brief nod to Olivia and went to leave the room again. As he did, though, he was stopped by the woman's strained voice.

"Eddie?" She whispered.


	2. Remember

**Remember**

"_Remember  
when your dreams have ended  
Time can be transcended  
Just remember me." _

_Josh Groban_

Everyone in the room looked up at Green, who whipped around. The woman's face was so beaten and bruised and bloody, he didn't know who she was. He walked back and looked up close at her. He had to really stare past it all, the obvious signs of drug and street wear on her face and body. Her faded eyes stared into him. He knew those eyes. At first he had thought maybe it was someone he'd met through the job on the streets. She looked like many of the drugged-out street women he'd worked with so often, but he knew those eyes. He knew the way they were looking at him. He remembered those eyes looking into his six years ago, in so much anger and pain. His emotions hit him all at once, as he realized who it was. Bile rose quickly in his stomach.

"Misha..." he gasped. He ran out the back door and puked in the alley. He rested his head on his arm against the brick wall, waiting for more. He stepped back, then punched the wall as hard as he could.

Joe stepped out beside him. "What going on Ed? Stabler said the vic called your name and you ran off." Joe handed Ed his handkerchief.

Ed took it, wiped his mouth, and looked at his partner. "Yea...I know her." He took a deep breath, preparing to go back in. "I didn't...I didn't recognize her. She's so...beaten that...I didn't even...and she's so skinny and..."

Benson stepped out. "We're taking her." She said softly.

"Wait." He went back in and walked to the front of the club where they were rolling the stretcher to the bus. "Hold up." He walked over and looked down at her. She looked away from him. "Mish?...what...where've you...I'm sorry...I didn't..."

"Go away Eddie."

"I can't. No. I'm riding along."

Olivia tugged his arm. "We got it, Green. You don't need to be around-"

He shook her hand away roughly. "I'm riding!" He shouted in her face. He looked down at Misha. "What happened Mish? Where the hell have you been!" Misha refused to look at him. He placed a hand on her cheek and pulled her face over. "Misha, talk to me."

"Go away." She said.

"No. Tell me who did this."

"Go away!" She said louder.

Olivia reached for his arm again, and he shoved her away. Stabler jumped in and grabbed Ed by the arms and yanked him several feet away. Ed fought for release the entire time.

"Let go, man, let go!" Ed screamed. He pulled from Elliott's grasp, as Joe and another uniform ran over to help hold him back. Ed raised his hands to fight them off.

"Stay _back_ Green!" Elliott shouted back. The two stood neck to neck staring each other down. Across the way, Olivia quickly jumped in the bus and the doors shut. Ed watched it go, then turned and walked a few feet away, then walked back.

"You got this Joe? I'm going-" Ed started.

Joe took his arm and led him to their car. "You're not going anywhere, Ed. You need to calm down. We've still got a crime scene in there, with two witnesses who haven't seen Johnson all day, and I'm liking him for this more and more each second. I can't babysit you right now. And _you_ can't go shoving people like Benson around."

Ed calmed slightly from his high and glared his partner in the eye. "You. Don't. Understand."

"Then explain it to me."

"I can't."

Fontana sighed. "Fine. Go get your hand looked at. That wall put up a nasty fight." Ed stood where he was. "You're not going to that hospital right now, so get your hand fixed and get inside. Stabler's trying to see who knew your girl there. If you want to help her, then let's talk to these people and find out who did it." Ed sighed. With resignation, he walked over to the one bus still hanging around. The EMT popped open the back and Ed sat down to get his hand bandaged. Fontana stood nearby, watching over.

Moments later the two walked back into the club. The bodies had just been taken away and CSU was still running around. Stabler was sitting with the bartender, so Ed went over to the cocktail waitress who was sitting around looking helpless.

"Detective Green," he said with a curt nod.

"Detective, can I go soon? I've been here all morning and-"

"Shortly. Now, what's your name?" He pulled out a pad of paper.

"Denise Jenkins."

"And did you see what went down?"

"No, I was in the supply closet when I heard the gunshots. I hid out there 'til I couldn't hear anything else and when I came out, Harvey and Nathan were on the floor dead. Kyle was cowering behind the bar, and the front windows were shot in. I told the other guy, I don't know who shot, I really don't." Denise said.

"So you knew Harvey then?"

"Oh yea, of course. He's friends with Paul Johnson. I think he put some money into the club or something. Paul and Harvey are always having meetings in the back room."

"And the back room...is that Paul's area exclusivity?"

"We all hang out back there, all of Paul's friends hang out back there. Is Misha gonna be okay?"

"You know Misha?"

"Well only from around here. She used to come here all the time with Nathan, but then recently she started coming in to see Paul alone. All the time. She hangs out in back...but I don't see Paul doing all this. He's a good guy."

Ed ignored the innocently dumb remark. "So when did Misha get here today?" He noticed out of the corner of his eye that Stabler was standing over them.

"I don't know, last I saw her was about 1am. She came in, but everything was so crazy so she went straight to the back room. I left here around 2:30 and she was reading a magazine in the back, still waiting around for Paul. So I said goodbye and left."

"Was she in the back when you got in this morning?" Stabler asked.

Denise glanced up at him. "I-I don't know. The door's been shut all morning. Nathan and Harvey were hanging around outside when I got here, they wanted to see Paul, so I let them in. Then Kyle got here and we started cleaning and stuff, like we do every morning. Then within an hour...all this happened."

"And what time did you get here this morning?" Ed asked.

"Around 11. Our mornings usually start pretty late since we're here til after 2am." She said.

"You're sure you don't know what happened to Misha?" Ed asked.

Stabler cleared his throat, then leaned over and spoke quietly to Ed. "Detective Green, if you don't mind I'd like to question Ms. Jenkins about _my_ crime scene now. Maybe you should go talk to Kyle Pratt about _your_ part of the crime scene."

Ed gave him a look, then stood up. "Thank you for your time, ma'am. Detective Stabler will take over from here." Ed said. As he walked off, Stabler took his arm and leaned to his ear.

"Calm down Green...I'm just trying to keep both our cases on track. Let me find out who did this, and I swear I'll give you a shot at him...just let me do my job, alright?"

Ed was staring distantly at a spot over Elliott's shoulder. As he spoke, his eyes met Elliott's. "You just make sure no one's around when it's my turn, and we'll all be good."

Ed made his way over to the bartender, Kyle. Kyle groaned. "Dude I've told my story to like four of you already. Isn't that enough?" Ed glanced at Joe.

"It's enough, but we may need to call you in to the station later in the case." Joe said.

"Yes, sir. Anything to get me out of here...I...as long as I've lived in the city...I've never seen anyone get shot...I just want to go home. Oh and if you talk to Paul, tell him I've quit." Kyle said. He threw down his apron and ran out the door, after giving Green and Fontana his contact info.

"His story is pretty straight forward." Joe said. "He didn't see who shot, he saw the car come to a stop out front and at the first bullet, he jumped behind the counter. He said he's been here awhile and knows things are shady, unlike Denise over there. He said he knew Nathan and Harvey were some questionable men, and he also said that Johnson is almost always here in the mornings. Good day for him to not come in, huh?"

"What'd he say to Stabler about-"

"He said he didn't know Misha was in the back until CSU found her. He said he arrived about forty minutes before the shooting today and when he left earlier at the end of the night, she was perfectly fine. Kyle took off close to 3, and at that point Misha, Johnson, and Nathan were all hanging out in one of the booths drinking."

"So...he...it wasn't him?"

"Well we've got no reason to think so. He freely gave up a DNA swab." Joe shrugged.

"Great. Talk to any witnesses outside?"

"Yea, no one saw much. I've got a varied description of the car, but everyone said it was a piece of shit and smelled like burning oil. Got half a read of the plate."

"Doesn't sound like Johnson's car." Ed said.

"Which doesn't mean Johnson wasn't in it." Joe argued.

"Did you ask the employee's who we can talk to that know our DOA's better?"

"Since we've seen Foster before, we should still have his information around and we can try to find his street pals. See if they know what he was getting into. I've got a license on Tate, who's got a wedding band on. Though I doubt his wife will know why he was involved with a man like Johnson."

"And I bet she doesn't know how many murders Johnson's gotten away with either." Ed sighed.

"We don't even know the real count he's got. But we'll get him. Let's go talk to Tate's wife, then we'll report into Van Buren. Maybe by then we'll have word from the ME." Joe led his partner outdoors. Stabler soon walked out beside them.

"I'll meet you there, I want to swing by the hospital." Ed said distractedly.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Green." Elliott said. "She's getting a rape kit and exam done right now...you don't need to see that. And there's no point in you waiting around there when you could be off getting Johnson."

"Come on, we need to question Tate's wife, and you need to be there." Joe put in.

"Fine. But you call me when she's in a room."

"I'll see what I can do." Elliott said with a nod. He waved briefly, then walked to his car. Ed and Joe got in their car and headed to find Harvey Tate's family. As he sat in the passenger seat and watched the city pass him by, Ed couldn't help but slip into his memories...

_ Seven years before, he'd just moved into his new apartment. He liked it, too. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best place he'd stayed at in a long time. It was a small one bedroom apartment, with a nice sunny living room. His bedroom window had a small fire escape on it as well. It was an old building, though, so the first time he stepped onto that fire escape he wasn't sure if it would hold. But it did. And though it was just the size of a small bathtub, it became his sanctuary in no time. He spent hours sitting out there. Whether he was contemplating a case, or just life in general. He had a lot to think about in the beginning. He had just been set up at the 2-7. New partner, new lieutenant, new faces everywhere. But, of course, to all of them he was the new kid. He sat on his fire escape, praying he wouldn't screw up again. He had to keep himself together. He'd almost lost his badge, and there was no way he'd get that close again. _

_Of course, the fire escape meant more to his life after he'd been living there about four months. It was the night that changed the next year of his life. He'd seen the girl around a few times, coming and going, or at the mailboxes. He'd even seen her hanging out on her own fire escape, directly below his, countless times over the months. He turned his head when he saw her pulling guys in and out the window from time to time. Although she'd barely said two words to him, he got the sense she was a nice enough kid. He had barely ever seen her parents, though. _

_That night he crawled onto his fire escape to relax as always. It had been a stressful week, with a rough case. To add to it all, he'd had a fight with his partner of the time which was bothering him because the two were becoming friends finally. Luckily he and Lennie'd had a chat before they left for the night and called a truce. They had to work together after all._

_Regardless, Ed just needed some time to himself. It was probably close to midnight when he noticed her presence below him. The floors of the fire escapes were made of a diamond-grated metal. The front and sides were bare except a long metal bar running all around. On the outside of the railing was a straight ladder going down._

_"Throw one down, why doncha?" A voice said below his feet. _

_He looked down, and saw her looking up. He looked at his beer, then back down at her. "Right. Sorry I'm not giving a beer to a 14 year old." _

_"I'm 16."_

_"Still too young."_

_"And I'll bet you were the perfect angel til you were 21, weren't you?" She asked. _

_He watched as she climbed over the railing to the ladder and climbed up to his level. "You shouldn't be doing that." He said. "You could...fall..."_

_"Chill. I've been climbing up and down this ladder for years...well not up here. More between my window and the street." She said. She climbed over his railing and sat beside him. She was shorter than him at 5'7. Though, most women were shorter compared to his 6'1. She had long dark curly hair and golden brown eyes. "You're a cop right?" He nodded. "I thought so. So you...like see dead bodies and all that?" Again, he nodded. "Wow. Rough."_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Being neighborly...hoping to get a beer." She smiled._

_"You're not getting a beer...and you shouldn't even be up here talking to me."_

_"Of all the strangers for me to be talking to, wouldn't you rather it be you? I mean...with you being a cop and all...I'd assume you're pretty straight-edged...unless you're one of those dirty cops...you a dirty cop? That'd be really cool."_

_Ed laughed. "Whoa whoa, girl, slow down. Fine, you can stay. I just don't want your parents worry-"_

_"They aren't." She said sharply. Then she changed the subject and stuck out her hand. "I'm Misha Sullivan."_

_"Ed Green." He replied, shaking her hand._

_"How old are you? I'd guess like...30."_

_"Gee, thanks. I'm 28."_

_"Oh. So you haven't lived here long." She stated._

_"No I haven't. You?"_

_"We've been in this apartment my whole life. Until I was 13 my parents had a major lock on my window, though. Then they decided I was old enough and mature enough to have access to the fire escape..." she let out a small laugh. "I guess if they were ever home, they'd probably lock it up again."_

_"They work a lot?" He asked._

_"Work, party...whatever. All I know is they've got more important things to deal with then me. But hey, they buy me clothes and food...and y'know what teenager wouldn't love their parent's to never be around?" She laughed as if she truly didn't care, but he got the sense she did. "So tell me about being a cop."_

_"Well, I'm a detective...it's a good job...no it's great. I love what I do. There are definitely some days that are worse than others...but...it's what I do. It's who I am."_

_"It must be nice."_

_"What?"_

_"To know who you are."_

_"Oh I still don't really know. I mean, take away the job and I'm completely clueless."_

_"Yea...but your life is still your own. You can do what you want and go where you want..."_

_"You'll have that in a couple more years."_

_"Yea...I guess...if I stick around."_

_"What's that mean?"_

_"It means I really don't need a damn high school diploma right now...I'd rather get away and find myself, then get my GED or whatever." She said._

_"No don't do that. You'll have a hell of a time getting on that way."_

_"No...this is hell." She gazed out into the streets. "This apartment, this city...too many people caring only about themselves. Too much...of everything. It suffocates me. No I'd rather be far away in some relaxing town where people notice you...where I can be alone and just be me."_

_He watched her for a moment. "Don't let anyone hold you back from your happiness." He said. "Parents don't always know what's best. But...in my opinion...you stick it out a few more years then you'll have more options...you could get even further away. Personally, I love the city. I couldn't live anywhere else."_

_"So you've never once thought of what it might be like to, like...live in Europe or Australia...or to just spend your whole life traveling and seeing everything? That's what I want...I want to see and feel everything the world has to offer...cause there's gotta be more to it...y'know?"_

_Ed nodded. "I've seen some of the world...what I've seen is good...but I couldn't imagine not having a home." He looked over his shoulder, through his window. "This...it isn't much...but it's my home."_

_"I guess." She said. They sat quietly for a long time. "Well if you're not gonna give me a beer I'm just gonna get one of my dads." She climbed over the railing again. "Good to know I've got a cop one floor up." She grinned. "Don't let the boogey-man climb in my window."_

_Ed smiled and tipped his bottle to her, "I'll do my best Misha. Have a good night."_

_"Don't worry Ed. You haven't seen the last of me." And then she climbed down the ladder and jumped onto her fire escape, and went inside her room. Ed shook his head, smiling. _

Of course, in that moment, he hadn't known the friendship he had just made.


	3. Harder To Breathe

**Harder To Breathe**

"_And like a little girl cries in the face  
of a monster that lives in her dreams  
Is there anyone out there cause  
it's getting harder and harder to breathe  
Is there anyone out there cause  
it's getting harder and harder to breathe."_

_Maroon 5 _

Ed and Joe stood in Van Buren's office. Joe was going over the details of the days events and Ed was staring out the window, jaw set, eyes intensely lost in thought. He barely heard the conversation as it ended.

"...and the wife, of course, has no clue who Foster or Johnson are and knows nothing about Tate's involvement with the club. She gave us a name of Tate's business partner...his real one...we're going to see him later. And we've got some people to bring in on Foster." Joe finished.

"Okay, well I've got uniforms posted outside the club and Johnson's home. Whether he's involved or not, we still need to talk to him. Until he shows up why don't you see what you can do with the partial plate reading you got and try to match it up to old cars?" She said. Joe nodded. Ed said nothing. They both looked at the quiet detective, and Van Buren waved Joe out of the office. She stood up from behind her desk and walked over to Ed, and leaned against the filing cabinet he stood by. "Ed." He slowly turned and looked at her. "Look, I don't need to know who she is or any of that, but I do need to know if this is going to mess with the case. We need this one to pan out. We've been on good terms with SVU lately and I don't want to muddy the waters. If you need to take time off, then do it. Otherwise I need you on top of this."

"Yea." He said quietly. He respected his boss more then almost anyone in his life, but he was never good at talking to her about anything other then the job or the day to day of life. He wasn't good at talking about the other stuff to anyone...except when he used to talk to Misha. She listened. She got it. She never once looked at him the way everyone else in his life had when he lost his temper or when his gambling problems got bad...she never passed judgment on him...he never had to play serious tough-guy cop with Misha. He had no clue how to deal. He had been good all these years about keeping his job and his life separate.

"Ed." Van Buren said again. "Do you want to tell me about this?"

He ran his hand over his face and shook himself off. "She was someone I used to know, that's all. Someone who needed my help, and I didn't give it to her. And now...she doesn't deserve any of this. It's not...this isn't where she was supposed to end up."

"No one deserves this. Don't blame yourself for what happened to her."

"Don't worry about me." He said, before storming out of the office. Van Buren watched him go and then she sat down. She had to hope that letting him stay on the case wouldn't blow up in her face.

Ed plopped down at his desk and looked across at his partner. "How we coming on those plates?"

"Nowhere. I've got three digits and next to no description of the car. There are too many that could match what little we have to go on, and not a single is in Johnson's name." Fontana said. "About all we can do is sit here all week scanning through the cars and finding the ugly ones and showing them to the witnesses...but of course...we don't have time for that."

"So what now?"

"We need to find out more about Tate's part of the club, and see why Nathan Foster continued there after what happened. I'm going to do a couple more searches and see what I can't find on this car. It'd be nice if we could talk to Johnson. I'm telling you though, an innocent man doesn't disappear when his club gets shot out."

"He'll show up. They always do." Ed said.

Joe nodded. "You okay?"

"Just fine."

"Want to talk?"

"No I don't." He looked around his desk for something to do, but saw nothing. "I'm gonna go step outside, call me if something develops." He got up and walked off before Joe could stop him.

As he walked, Ed thought back to more memories. He didn't want to, but there they were anyway...

_Misha stood at the railing to Ed's fire escape and stared the six flights down to the bottom. Ed sat nearby humming along to the music drifting out his window. Spring was in the air, and it put him in a good mood. _

_"No holding back, right?" Misha asked him. _

_He broke out of his trance and glanced over at her. "Hmm?"_

_"When we started hanging out and talking...we said no holding back. Say anything and not hold it against each other."_

_"Absolutely." He said, alhough neither one had opened up very much in those past three months._

_"Sometimes..." her voice quavered. "Sometimes I stand against this railing and think of climbing to the other side...and just letting go..." She said. _

_He wasn't expecting that. "Don't."_

_"Why not?" Her voice broke and she turned to face him. She wanted to cry, he could tell, but she was holding it back._

_"It's a cheap way out." He said gently. He was trying to keep composed and not yell at her for feelings she couldn't help. "Mish...you keep talking about wanting to find happiness, but you're not gonna find it if you are dead and splattered on the pavement."_

_"I do want to find happiness but sometimes it just feels...like it will never happen. And do not remind me that I'm 16, again." She sat down and crossed her arms around her knees. _

_He scooted closer to her and bent his head to her eye level. "It will happen."_

_"If I could just not care about anything...I'd be happy." She said._

_Ed sighed and put an arm on her shoulders. "No you wouldn't...trust me..." He pulled her against him and rubbed her back. "Besides...I'd rather not loose a good friend."_

_"A charity case you mean."_

_"Nah, I mean a friend." He said softly._

_"You promise?"_

_"Yea, I do. We'll always be friends. Someone's gotta look out for you." He said. He'd really begun to feel a brotherly-sisterly bond with her._

_"Don't let me ever do it...please...I don't want to, I really don't. I don't want to die, I just want a different life."_

_"I've got your back," he said. After a few moments of silence they both shook it off. "Alright, let's watch a movie. Your turn to pick. Your parents leave you dinner tonight?" When she shook her head, he smiled. "How about pizza, then?"_

Without realizing it Ed had gotten himself to the hospital. He wasn't sure if he'd walked or taken the subway, but he didn't think about it. He just walked in and went to find Misha's room. When he got there, Olivia and Elliott were hanging outside the door.

"What're you doing here?" Olivia asked.

Ed knew she deserved an apology, but he had other things on his mind at the moment. "I need to see her."

"And I don't need her upset. She's refusing to talk and she's doing her best to skip out on us."

"Let me talk to her." He said. He pushed his way into the room and looked at Misha laying on the hospital bed. She'd been cleaned up and bandaged. She had bruises and cuts all over her face and arms, her left arm was in a sling, and her eyes were black and blue and purple. He stepped up to her.

She turned to him. "I don't want you here."

"Why not?"

"Cause you've got no reason to be here. You're not a part of my life anymore. I don't even want to be in this damned place. I gotta get out of here, tell them I gotta get out of here."

"Why won't you tell Detective Benson what happened? She wants to help you. _ I _want to help you."

"No, Eddie. You want nothing to do with me." She said bluntly.

"That is not true."

"You made it perfectly clear six years ago. You don't get to pick and choose when you'll be around for me...you made a promise and you broke it. I could care less about you or your damn case, so leave."

"That's not-"

"Leave!"

"Shut-up Misha! Just...shut-up! Quit being this way! Someone did this to you, and we need to find out who it is so they don't do it again! You want this to happen again!" Olivia and Elliott rushed in at Ed's raised voice.

"Detective Green, step out of the room." Elliott warned.

"Go to hell." Misha said to Ed. She sat up and started pulling her IV's out. "I'm getting out of here."

Olivia held Misha back. "No you're not, you need to stay."

"Misha. Lay back, now." Ed ordered.

"He'll find me!"

"Who!"

"He...no...I have to go." She said.

Olivia looked at Ed. "You need to leave."

Ed shook his head and spoke to Misha again. "Tell us so it can't happen again."

"So it won't happen again? So it won't happen again!" Misha screamed. "News flash Eddie, this isn't the first time and it won't be the last, same person or not! It's part of my life! It's a part of the life that you're not in! You said no! You turned your back on me! So _fuck you_!" Misha was flailing around and Olivia was trying to hold her still. Ed could only stand there. Elliott nudged him to the door. At a loss for words, Ed gave in and walked out. Elliott followed him, and the two stood silently in the hall. A nurse brushed past them into the room and momentarily Olivia stormed out.

"We just had to sedate her! She's now off in dreamland for the rest of the day because you couldn't back off! How do you expect us to get her statement if you keep coming around? It's clear she doesn't want you here, so stay away. This is our ground now. Even if your guy did it, this is our ground. And if you can't stay away I will not hesitate to cuff you." She said angrily into his face.

"Liv," Elliott said gently.

"What? You gonna excuse him?" She asked her partner.

"No. Absolutely not. But we all just need to chill here. Everyone just...breath." He said. The air was thick as everyone stood their ground. Then Ed let out a scream of frustration and punched the wall with his non-bandaged hand. No one spoke for a moment.

"Feel better?" Olivia finally asked.

He stood back from the wall and shook his head. "No. No I don't." He stared at her for awhile. He didn't know either one of them well at all, but he'd run several cases with SVU over the years, and they were all good people "I'm sorry." He said. "I am. I'm sorry for in there and...and I'm sorry for shoving you earlier. That never should have happened and...and I was out of line. I'm sorry."

Olivia studied him, and believed him. "I know this is a tough case for you, Green. You need to keep your cool and leave her alone. She needs to feel comfortable enough to tell us what happened. I swear I will call you if she ID's Johnson...I will call you if we can match his DNA. Or...or I'll call if we catch someone else for it." Olivia stepped closer to him. "She's not going anywhere, and I am personally going to keep an eye out for her. Her room will be under guard. We'll figure this out."

Ed nodded. "I'm sorry." He said again. He looked at Elliott, who gave him a quick pat on the back.

"None of us judge you for getting emotional," Stabler said.

Ed's phone went off. "Green." He said into it.

"Hey, the ME's ready for us." Joe's voice said. "Where are you?"

"I'll meet you there."

"Ok, see you there."

Ed disconnected. "I gotta go. If I promise to stay away...will you please call me when the results come in? Just keep me updated." He begged.

"Deal." Olivia said. "Go get that hand taken care of before you leave."

"Try staying away from the walls the rest of the day, man. You don't have any more fists." Elliott said with a small smile.


	4. Fire Escape

**AN: Oh yea, just so we're clear..all my knowledge of the law and court system  
comes from watching TV and the news. If I am off base with something, just go with it.  
Some things work out better story wise by making it not quite accurate, anyway.  
As far as this chapter goes, the poems in it are the work of those they are credited to.  
Also, please leave me reviews if you are enjoying this and want me to  
continue posting the rest of the chapters.**

**  
**

**Fire Escape**

"_Cause I don't know just what I've found  
I don't know my sky from ground  
I don't know where I'm going to  
I don't know about you  
I'll be the rain falling on your fire escape  
And I may not be the man you want me to  
I can be myself, how bout you?" _

_Fastball_

When Ed walked into the ME's office, Joe was already there. Joe took one look at his hands and laughed. "Was that the other wall's brother?"

Ed forced a smile. "Yea something like that." He looked at the ME. "What's the story?"

Elizabeth Rodgers glanced at the detective's bandaged hands and shook her head. "Well to start with, I disagree that Tate was just in the way of the bullet. The way it entered him and from the looks of the crime scene, I'd bet that the bullets were meant for him."

"So then it's Nathan who got in the way?" Joe asked.

"No. They were both the target here. And this wasn't a drive-by. That car had to have come to a full stop to hit them the way it did, and the shooter had great aim. The bullets were meant to kill both of these men, and they did.

"They're both good friends with Johnson," Joe said to Ed.

"Johnson probably knew they'd be there. They were all partying it up last night. He probably asked them to meet him."

Joe's phone rang. "Fontana."

Rodgers looked up at Ed. "Rough day?" She asked, pointing to his hands. He only nodded.

Fontana ended his call and smiled. "Johnson just went home."

"Tell me he was driving a POS?" Ed asked. Joe looked at him funny. "A POS, a piece of shit car?"

"Oh. Nope, he's in his town car according to the uniform. It dropped him at the door and took off around the block."

"Let's go talk to him." Ed said walking to the door.

"By all means," Joe agreed. He waved to Rodgers as he followed his partner out.

The two pulled up around the corner from Johnson's house and jumped from the car. They both drew their guns as they walked up the drive and to the front door. Joe knocked on the door with his gun. They patiently waited until Johnson opened the door. His appearance was deceiving. He was a short man with light sandy brown hair and blue eyes, and he was wearing an expensive suit. As soon as Paul Johnson saw the detectives he turned and ran. Ed was after him in a flash, and chased the man through the house and out the back door. Fontana was running around the outside of the house. Johnson tried to escape over his fence but Ed caught him and threw him to the ground.

"Get up!" Ed screamed. He yanked Johnson up and pushed him against the fence. "Where you going Paulie, huh!"

Joe ran up to them. "I got him." He put his hand on Johnson's back and motioned Ed out of the way. Ed reluctantly backed off.

"I did not do anything wrong, gentlemen. Mind telling me what this is about?" Johnson said.

"Are you aware of the fact that two of your business associates were shot in your club this morning?" Ed asked.

"Business associates? No, they were just friends. I just heard and was on my way to see you guys about it." He said smartly.

"So why'd you run?" Joe asked.

"I saw your crazy partner over there and panicked. Last time I saw him, he beat the shit out of me."

"Oh please, I hit you once." Ed said. "You better hope I don't get the chance to give you the beating you deserve."

_He sat under the warm city night, watching the fireworks being set off from buildings all around him. He glanced over at her. She had her nose in a book. "Why are you reading? You should be watching the fireworks." He said._

_She glanced up. "Eddie, I see the same fireworks every July 4th."_

_"And you are always reading the same book, too. What's with that?"_

_"It's not just a book...it's poetry." She said._

_"Since when do you like poetry?"_

_"Since...I don't know...a long time now."_

_"Mish, I've known you for five months now, and you have not spoken a word about poetry."_

_"But you see me reading it all the time. Especially this one." She held up the book. "It's a book of women's poetry."_

_"Read me one." He said. He may not have been one to read a lot of poetry, but he could appreciate it. _

_"Alright..." She said. She set the book on her lap and closed her eyes, and recited one:_

_Lying, thinking__  
Last night  
__How to find my soul a home__  
Where water is not thirsty  
__And bread loaf is not stone  
__I came up with one thing  
__And I don't believe I'm wrong  
__That nobody,  
__But nobody  
__Can make it out here alone._

_Alone, all alone_  
_Nobody, but nobody_  
_Can make it out here alone._

_There are some millionaires_  
_With money they can't use_  
_Their wives run round like banshees_  
_Their children sing the blues_  
_They've got expensive doctors_  
_To cure their hearts of stone._  
_But nobody_  
_No, nobody_  
_Can make it out here alone._

_Alone, all alone_  
_Nobody, but nobody_  
_Can make it out here alone._

_Now if you listen closely_  
_I'll tell you what I know_  
_Storm clouds are gathering_  
_The wind is gonna blow_  
_The race of man is suffering_  
_And I can hear the moan,_  
_'Cause nobody,_  
_But nobody_  
_Can make it out here alone._

_Alone, all alone  
Nobody, but nobody  
Can make it out here alone._

_Ed watched her as she spoke the words. He knew that they had deep meaning to her, and it only made it better. She opened her eyes and looked at him with a small shrug._

_"Who wrote it?"_

_"Maya Angelou...it's my favorite."_

_"It's great." They sat silently for awhile, both watching the fireworks. "So do you ever write any poetry?"_

_"Occasionally. I only write when there's something that...I just have to get out of me...if I'm writing a poem about something...then...then that something means a lot to me, be it good or bad."_

_"I'd love to read-"_

_"No. No one sees my poems." She said quickly._

_"Why not?"_

_"Because they're too...me."_

_"Okay, I respect that. But if you ever want to share them...you know I'm not going to hold anything you write against you."_

_"I know...let's just watch the fireworks." _

_"Why don't you read me some more poems instead?"_

_"I have a lot up here," she tapped her forehead. "What would you like to hear?"_

_"Another one of your favorites, I guess."_

_"Alright. Well there is one by Hartley Coleridge that...well...I've always dreamed one day someone would see through all the bad stuff in me...and see the good..so I've always likeed it:_

_She is not fair to outward view  
as many maidens be;__  
Her loveliness I never knew__  
until she smiled on me._  
_Oh, then I saw her eye was bright,  
__a well of love, a spring of light._

_But now her looks are coy and cold,_  
_to mine they ne'er reply_  
_And, yet, I cease not to behold_  
_the love-light in her eye._  
_Her very frowns are fairer far_  
_than smiles of other maidens are._

Ed and Joe sat with Paul Johnson in the interrogation room. Ed was sitting next to Johnson and was staring at him with a glare.

"So am I under arrest?" Johnson asked.

"Should you be?" Fontana replied.

Johnson smiled. "No sir. I did nothing wrong."

"Where were you this morning?" Fontana asked.

"I was running errands...I do have a business after all."

"Yes, we all know about your..._errands_." Ed put in. "Now why don't you tell us exactly where you were at 11 AM and then you can talk to my friends at Special Victims and tell them about the woman you raped."

"I was in a meeting at 11 and I did not rape anyone."

"Where was this meeting? Give us someone to talk to." Fontana said.

"Lionel Faulk. At his office. 439-0087." Johnson said, crossing his arms over his chest. The detectives glanced at one another.

Fontana stood. "We'll be right back. You just sit tight." The two walked out of the room to where Van Buren was standing behind the glass. ADA Alex Borgia was standing with her. "Guess we'll check his alibi."

"Do that." Van Buren said. "So far we have no one saying he was there and nothing to link him."

"Which means unless you find something soon, you'll have to let him go. You need to find something...anything to hold him on." Borgia said.

"How about two more dead bodies linked to his club?" Ed asked.

"Not enough. All you have is suspicion. Call SVU and see if they got any results on their rape vic. DNA would hold him." She said.

"I'll call Benson." Ed said.

"And I'll call Mr. Faulk." Joe said. The two walked off to their desks and made their calls.

Ed dialed Benson's cell number. "Benson." She answered.

"Hey it's Green."

"Hey." She said.

"Misha give you a statement yet?"

"No, she's been asleep for awhile now. When she has woken up she's refused to say anything." Olivia said.

"Well, Borgia's here and she wants to know if you have anything to hold our guy?"

"We're with the ME now. We don't have any DNA."

"So nothing to link him?"

"Not evidence wise. This guy is good. Not only can he _kill_ without a trace but he-"

"Yea." Ed cut her off, not needing her to finish her sentence. "So you two coming down here to talk to him?"

"Yes we are."

"Why don't you take your time and let him sweat? He's gotta hang out here if you need to talk to him...gives us time." Ed suggested.

"We'll get there when we can...I've heard traffic is hell today." Benson said.

"Thanks Olivia." Ed hung up and glanced over at Joe, who had just hung up himself.

"Well I spoke to Johnson's alibi. He said he and Johnson had a meeting at 10 and Johnson was out of there at noon."

"Shit. You think this guy is credible? Who is he?"

"He's the property realtor."

"Wait...I thought Johnson owned his club." Ed said, shaking his head.

"He does."

"So what's with the realtor? Wouldn't they have quit having meetings back when Johnson bought the place?"

"Yes."

"So...?" Ed held out a hand waiting for Joe to elaborate.

"Looks like Johnson wants to sell."

"Okay...so his alibi pans out...I don't believe this guy. Johnson could be paying him to say that."

"Or," Joe said, "the realtor could be mixed up in it all."

"Those are a lot of ifs." Borgia said, appearing beside them. They both looked up at her.

"Well ifs are all we got right now." Ed said in irritation.

"I understand that, Detective. And that is why you need to find more, or I'm letting your guy go. Right now he's here as a victim what with his club being shot out. He's free to leave."

"No he's not. SVU is on their way down, they need to question him." Ed argued.

"They'd better get here soon." She said. She turned and walked off.

"Now what?" Fontana asked.

"Foster has a couple buddies locked up. We used them last time around. Let's see what they know."

"Want to wait for Benson and Stabler to get here before we head out?"

"Nah," Ed said. "They may be awhile."

Joe shook his head. "I'll let you be the one to answer to Borgia."

"She doesn't scare me."

"She sure scares me." Joe said. The two got up and headed out.


	5. Run Around

**Run Around**

"_Why you wanna give me a__run-around__  
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up__  
When all it does is slow me down."_

_Blues Traveler_

"Detective Green, we meet again." Brandon Parker said with a mean grin.

"Brandon. You remember my partner, Fontana?" Ed said.

"Yea, I remember him."

"Now that we all remember each other, why don't you tell us more about Nathan Foster and Paul Johnson?" Fontana said.

"I told you what I knew. Nathan is a good and innocent man. He gave generously to Paul's club, then Paul pointed him for murder. Paul's a whack job. You don't want to upset that man."

"Nathan deals drugs to the club! He can't be that great." Ed shouted.

"Or he used to," Joe put in. "Until he was shot this morning."

Brandon jumped back slightly. "Man! Nathan's dead! I told you! I told you Paul's crazy!"

"So if anyone did it, you'd say..." Joe led.

"Paul. For sure, man. I've got buddies who been killed by Paul. Course you slackers didn't do nothin' bout it." Brandon snarled. "It's his fault I'm in here. He screwed me."

"So you've said. Why don't you tell us how he screwed you." Ed said.

"It's simple as this, I had a girl and he wanted her. She got swept into his money and bullshit and started hanging with him at the club. Then he raped her. She wasn't about to report it, seeing as how our ways of money weren't exactly legal...so I went in to kick his ass, and he got to her and killed her. Then it got pinned on me. I didn't kill her. I've done some shit in my time, but I ain't never shot no one. Especially not my girl. I loved her. I just wanted to get her away from that sick son of a bitch."

"Did you explain this during your trial?" Joe asked.

"Yea man, but the jury didn't believe me cause there wasn't evidence that Paul did it. He shot her in my apartment, with my gun."

"And we're supposed to believe you?" Ed raised an eyebrow.

"I don't care, man. I'm here for a long time. Unless the bastard confesses, I'm stuck here. Of course, since my girl wasn't a prom queen, I'm not getting the chair." Brandon said.

"You think anyone else is locked up for Johnson?"

"I know of two, at least, who got it just like me and a couple more who took the fall for other shit. Whatever you say, Nathan was cool, man. I'll help any way I can to bring Paul down, I don't care if it helps me or not. Let that son of a bitch in here, and see how long he lasts."

"Is there anything you can think of that links Johnson to killing Nathan and Harvey Tate?"

Brandon's eyes rose. "Man! He got Tate too! Shit, man. If he killed Tate, then shit must be hitting the fan. Tate's his number one man. I wouldn't be surprised if Tate helped with covering shit up. Yea, tell you what, Nathan was up here a few weeks ago visiting. He said Paul was holding back on the cash, and he suspected that Paul might be trying to get out of the club business. You check the boy's bank account. Nathan and Harvey were not just Paul's biggest contributors but they were also the ones he owed the most to."

"Thank you, Brandon. We'll be in touch very soon." Joe said, standing up. The CO came in to collect Brandon.

"Wait," Ed said. "Did you know Misha Sullivan?"

"Nathan's girl? I met her once before I got locked up, before she was involved with Nathan. Then recently he brought her around once or twice on visiting day, and last time he was here he was going on about how Johnson was eying her. What happened to her?"

"She was raped in the back room of the club."

"Paul takes what he wants, man."

"You think anyone else associated with that club would rape?"

"I don't know, man. There's some crazy bastards around there. But Nathan and Harvey...they were just about the money and drugs."

"Thank you." Ed said. The CO led Brandon out and Ed looked up at Joe. "Let's get his books and talk to Tate's other business partner."

The guys were walking to the car when Fontana's phone rang. "Fontana." He answered. "Uh-huh...yea we spoke to a couple guys...uh-huh. Okay we'll be right in." He closed his phone and looked at Ed.

"Lieu says Benson and Stabler are there, she wants us to get back for a bit. We'll probably need to talk to Borgia about getting a warrant for Johnson's books."

"Let's go see what the man has to say, then."

Van Buren, Borgia, Joe and Ed stood behind the window and watched as Benson and Stabler walked into the interrogation room and sat across from Johnson.

"Well I get all kinds of visitors today." Johnson said.

"Shut up." Stabler said. "Where were you between 3am and your...'meeting'?"

"I was sleeping like every honest man."

"Got anyone that can vouch for that?" Benson asked.

"I do not remember her name, sorry."

"Let's try...Misha?" Stabler said. He leaned across the table and clasped his hands together.

"Misha...Misha...oh right, Nathan's crack whore." Johnson said with a smile and a nod. Ed was ready to break through the glass; Van Buren rested a hand on his arm. "Sorry, but I like my women clean and sanitary." Johnson continued.

"So then you wouldn't mind giving us your DNA?" Benson asked.

"Actually I would."

"Why's that?"

"Because I refuse to be roped into something I did not do. In fact, I am not enjoying all this harassment and I would like my lawyer down here."

"Now why would you need a lawyer?" Benson crossed her arms over her chest. "You're not under arrest...yet."

"But I am obviously a suspect, and I want my lawyer before you all get ahead of yourselves. And I would like to leave."

"Get them out of there," Borgia said. "I'm not about to watch this guys rights get trampled on, and our case get ruined." Van Buren nodded and knocked on the window. Benson and Stabler stood slowly and walked out of the room.

Stabler shook his head. "That can't be qualified for an alibi. He was seen with the woman before the rape, in his own club, and the only other people that were there are now dead," he said

"That's enough to hold him for a few hours, but we need more." Borgia said.

"Is that all you can say today?" Fontana asked, rolling his eyes.

"Bring me more and I'll quit saying it."

"Everyone calm down." Van Buren said. "I want Green and Fontana to get back to the club and sniff around, and talk to Tate's partner...see what he knows. Who else did you talk to other than Brandon Parker?"

"A couple of low level guys Foster ran with," Fontana answered. " They didn't know much more than the alibi they gave for Foster the night he was accused of the murder. But Brandon can hook us up with a couple guys in his predicament."

"I'll send you a warrant for the club," Borgia said. "And let's talk to these other guys and see just how many people we can find are locked up for Johnson." Fontana nodded. Ed was still staring into the interrogation room.

Van Buren looked at Stabler and Benson. "Cragen is heading down to see how your case is going, so why don't you two take Green and Fontana's desks and...do what you need to do." She suggested. "In the meantime, I'm going to call up Deakins at Major Case."

Ed finally tuned in. "We are not turning this over to Major Case."

"No, but we're going to ask for their help. You want this guy, Green? Let their Detective Goren work him for awhile."

"The nut-case?"

"He's a good detective. We need more right now, and he can help." Van Buren argued.

"Fine."

"Okay then. Everyone get to work." She ordered. They all nodded and went their ways.

"Lieutenant?" A voice called, walking through the precinct. Everyone looked up as they filed out of the observation room. The woman belonging to the voice walked up to Van Buren and stuck out her hand. "ADA Casey Novak. I heard Benson and Stabler were here," she pointed to the two, "I need to speak with them."

"Go right ahead they'll be here for awhile. We're all working on this one together."

Ed lingered slightly to over hear what Novak had to say.

"Olivia, I need you two to go try to speak with your vic again. Try to get a statement."

"Casey, we can't keep hounding her. She needs some time to rest, and then maybe she'll feel like talking." Benson said.

"She's scared. She knows this guy has power over her, and she's terrified." Elliott said quietly. "Not only that, but she doesn't trust us."

"Well you need to find a way to make her trust you, because if Johnson didn't do this then we've got a rapist running around. And if Johnson did do it we need to lock him up."

"Then tell us, Casey! How do we make her talk to us?" Stabler asked.

Ed cleared his throat. Everyone turned to him. "In my opinion...I think Benson should go sit by Misha's side for awhile." He looked at her. "You're a good person...she'll see that once she lets her guard down. All she's ever wanted is to be cared about...but more so to be seen." He scratched his neck nervously. "Just go be a friend for her. Plus...as with many rape victims, I don't see her warming up to a man. Too many men have betrayed her." He glanced at Elliott. "I think you're a great detective but..."

Elliott nodded. "Don't worry about it. I agree with you." Everyone looked at Olivia.

"Okay, I guess I'll go hang out there for awhile." She glanced up at her partner. "Call me if anything develops."

"I will. Let us know if she says anything."

Green and Fontana were poking around the office at the club, when Ed's phone went off. "Green."

"Ed you guys need to get down here with something." Van Buren said. "Johnson's lawyer showed up, and I just spoke to Benson and Misha's still not talking. If you guys don't have something, right now, Johnson's leaving."

"We haven't found anything Lieu. You can't let him go, yet. We haven't found anything."

"I'm sorry, there's not much I can do. Look it's nearly 8. Why don't you guys bring whatever you have back here? I've got Goren, Eames, and Stabler all here willing to stick around late. You guys can sit and go through the books, and wait on word from Benson. Then in the morning you can go see Tate's partner and whoever else you need to talk to."

"Okay. We're on our way." He hung up. "Johnson's walking. If you're up for it, we're just going to sit down and go through all of this and maybe the old case files and see what we can find." He said to Fontana.

Fontana nodded. "Sounds good. Let's get back."


	6. She

**She**

"_She may be the face I can't forget  
The trace of pleasure or regret   
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay." _

_Elvis Costello_

Barely thirty minutes later the five detectives were sitting around a table in an interrogation room.

"Goren, did you get a chance to talk to Johnson?" Ed asked.

Detective Goren looked up slowly from the file he was reading. "We didn't have a sit down, but I said hello to him."

"And?"

"He was very charming and composed. It's his way of getting power."

"He's got a lot of ways of doing that," Ed replied. "I wish Borgia had let you talk to him like planned."

"She couldn't do much," Stabler spoke up. "Johnson's lawyer showed up and snatched him out in no time. There wasn't anything we could do. They were walking out as Goren and Eames were walking in."

"Who's got the LUDs?" Ed asked, looking around the table.

Eames raised a folder. "I've got cell phone's for both of the vic's, plus Tate's business line." She said.

"What about the club's line?"

"Borgia is having trouble getting those." Joe spoke up.

"How come? There was a murder there...two...we need to know who was in contact with the club."

"Easy, because Johnson has a great lawyer." Goren said, not looking up from his file.

"Okay, so what do you see Eames?" Ed sighed.

"They both have a lot of calls to and from the club, and to and from Johnson's cell."

"Which makes sense. What else?"

"How about a handful of minute long conversations between Tate and Foster the morning they were killed?" She gave him a small smile. "Then, after that, one call to Johnson from Tate. Maybe the guys wanted to meet with Johnson and get the money he owed them?"

"Well that could be how Johnson knew where they'd be."

"So you think he killed them because he didn't want to pay off whatever he owed them?" Stabler asked.

"Makes sense to me." Ed said, ready for any excuse to grab Johnson up.

"Plus the added fact of killing the boyfriend of the woman he'd just raped." Stabler said. He glanced at Ed.

"Anything else Eames?" Ed asked.

"Nothing I'm seeing. At least nothing that couldn't have a reasonable excuse behind it. Now if we knew what these guys were saying on all these calls, that would give us more to go on."

Everyone went back to their reading, trying to find discrepancies on the business end of the club.

Two hours had passed before anyone spoke again. Fontana stood up. "My old bones can't take much more of this. I'm going to get some coffee." He walked out of the room.

"Sounds good to me." Stabler said. He followed Fontana out. Then Eames went. Goren stood up as well, but looked down at Ed.

"A break may do you good." Goren said.

"No...finding..._something_...to prove Johnson is a murdering raping son of a bitch, will do me good. I don't understand. I don't understand how this man can kill so many people, frame people and rape these women and not leave a single piece of evidence. All we have is suspicion, and the words of a few prisoners...there has to be more."

Goren sat back down. "Did you speak with anyone that worked with Harvey Tate? I know his wife didn't know anything.."

"Tate had a business where his wife thought all the money was coming from. We haven't caught up with the partner yet."

"Have..." Goren paused, watching his words. "Have any other suspects been looked into?"

"We don't have any other suspects. We haven't found the car, the gun, prints, or anything. There were a lot of bad guys caught up in the club, so Johnson aside, there could be many suspects...but no one that we can find. But...I know it's Johnson. I just know it." Ed said.

The other detectives came back in. Fontana handed Ed a cup of coffee and Eames handed her partner one.

"So what have we all learned so far?" Stabler asked.

"His financials seem perfect. But too perfect." Eames said. "He's got so much money coming and going...even though it all looks right...it can't be. Now what did you say Foster did for the club?"

Fontana cleared his throat. "From what we understand, Foster paid Johnson for rights to sell on club property. Plus Johnson got first dibs on the good stuff. Not only was there a bad crowd to the club, but there was a rich crowd. And everyone wanted Foster's stuff. So it was easy money for him. But according to his buddy Brandon, Johnson was in debt to Foster."

"I see nothing about debt here," Eames said looking down at the book before her.

"These aren't the real numbers." Goren said. "He's not going to keep the real thing laying around. No, if he can cover up everything else, he's covering those too."

"Why aren't we sitting on him tonight?" Ed asked. "You know he's doing something."

"Van Buren has two detectives from here on him," Stabler said. "They'll call if anything goes down."

As if reading their minds, Van Buren walked in. "Everyone go home and get some rest. There's nothing more we can do right now. I just spoke with Bailey and Harris, Johnson's at home and has been since he left here."

"Right." Ed said. "He's really just going to sit around his house. How can they be sure he didn't sneak out back or something?"

Van Buren sighed, exhausted. "Go home, Ed. It's almost midnight." She turned and left.

"Don't worry, we'll all get back here early in the morning and figure this out." Goren assured Ed.

"And we need to talk to the club realtor and see if he's lying for his pal." Fontana added.

"Good night boys and girls." Stabler said. The detectives all gathered their things together and made their way out. Ed didn't want to go. He wanted to find something. He felt going home was only giving time to...let everything fall apart.

"I'll drive you home," Joe said. "Come on."

Ed turned over in his bed and looked at the clock. He'd been laying there for an hour. Sleep was refusing to come to him. He looked at his window, and the fire escape, and got lost in thought...

_"Hey stranger." He said, as she climbed over the railing and sat down beside him. _

_"I know, I've been busy."_

_"You parents still in Chicago?"_

_"Yep. They'll probably get home the night before school starts." _

_"So I saw your...uh...friend, this morning when I was leaving the building."_

_"Oh Cody?"_

_"I guess so. I wouldn't know his name...I've only ever seen him climbing in or out your window." He said._

_She chuckled. "Jealous?"_

_"No. I go on plenty of dates, thank you."_

_"I meant of him, not me." She said, giving him a sly smile. He sighed. She'd been acting off for a couple weeks, and he was getting fed up with it._

_"Cut the crap, Mish."_

_"Relax. I'm just-"_

_"He doesn't look 16."_

_"He's 24."_

_"That's statutory rape."_

_"You gonna arrest him Detective Green?" She snapped. "God, get over yourself. It's completely consensual, and I'm having a good time."_

_"It's not consensual when he's so much older." He turned and stared at her. _

_"When two people want to be together, it's not wrong." She said. Silence hung over them for a moment._

_"You don't know what you want." He finally said. "You're-"_

_"Damnit Eddie! Stop! Why do you always have to bring up my age, as if...as if it automatically lets you win the argument!"_

_"I just don't like what you've been doing lately. I'm worried about you."_

_"Well don't let yourself worry too much...then you'll start to care too much...and we all know that can't happen." She jumped up and started crawling down the ladder._

_"What's that mean?" He asked. She didn't reply. He stood up and leaned over the railing. "Are you trying to tell me I'm uncaring?"_

_"You know exactly what I'm telling you, Eddie! You just keep yourself cut off, we'll all be good." She opened her window and crawled in. She leaned out and looked up. "Oh and stop staring at my window, it's none of your business who I'm sleeping with." She slammed the window shut. Ed sat back down completely confused at to what had just happened._

Ed walked up to Misha's hospital room. A uniform was sitting outside on a chair. Ed pulled out his badge and held it in the officer's face.

"Detective Green."

"She's asleep, detective."

"That's fine. I'm just going to sit in there."

"Okay..." The officer said. Ed let himself in the room and looked over at Misha. He squinted in the darkness. As he stepped closer and his eyes adjusted he saw that some of her bruising was going down. He quietly moved the arm chair beside her bed and sat in it. He watched her sleep for awhile, then leaned forward and gently set his fingers on her arm. He traced the old needle scars, then closed his hand over hers. She didn't stir.

"I'm so sorry, Misha." He whispered. He kissed her fingers. "I'm sorry I lost you." He ran his hand up her arm and rose from his chair. He lay his arm on the pillow, over her head and looked closely at her face. He wanted to take her in his arms and just hold her. Instead he rested his head on his arm, his face hovering over her, and closed his eyes. "I'll fix this, I swear I will. Even if I have to kill him myself." He didn't move from that position for awhile. He heard the door to the room open and close, and a hand soon rested on his back. He looked over and saw Detective Benson standing beside him. She pointed to the door, then walked out. He slowly rose and followed her.

"I'm sorry," he said. He stood against the wall and leaned back. "I couldn't sleep and I figured...if she was sleeping...I wouldn't be upsetting her."

"I kind of figured you would be here. I told Officer Dobbs that if you showed up to let you in the room then come call me." She smiled.

Ed chuckled. "Yea, you're good. So you're not mad?"

"Long as she's not upset, I'm not." Olivia studied him for a moment. "You should be getting some sleep."

"I can't. I tried but...I just...can't get my mind off everything. I kept staring at the fire escape."

"How come?"

He looked at her, and it dawned on him he had said that out loud and that she had no clue about the past. "Oh. Yea...Misha and I used to hang out on the fire escape and talk. Hers was just one below mine so..."

"I'd offer to buy you a beer if it wasn't 3 am...how about some lousy cafeteria coffee?" She asked.

He nodded. "Alright."


	7. Butterfly She Flies Alone

**Butterfly (She Flies Alone)**

"_Within a cage  
Tried to escape the silent rage  
But no one ever listened  
Behind her back  
She's both wings tied  
She will break free  
She will not be denied _

_So she  
She flies alone  
High into the great unknown  
She don't need me to tell her where to go  
Sweet little butterfly."_

_Journey_

"So tell me more about your friendship with Misha. Why haven't you seen her in so long?" Olivia asked.

"You really want to know?"

"What else have we got to do?"

"Okay...well as I said, her fire escape was below mine. She lived with her parents who neglected her...not as bad as some of the stuff I've seen...not bad enough to call child services but...they were just busy people. They were constantly out of town, or at work or out with friends. When they did go out of town about the only food they'd leave for Misha would be frozen dinners. So when they'd go out of town I'd cook dinner and take some down to her, or bring food to her on my way home from work. Sometimes we'd even camp out on my couch for movies and take out. I don't think her parents realized we were friends...I think they figured I just kept an eye out for her while they were gone. Which, of course, made them feel okay with being gone. She was...she was something. We could have hours long conversations and be right there on the same level...we understood each other and...had certain rules. Like the fact that we could say anything that was on our mind. But...she had obvious issues. She was into drinking and partying with her friends...I'm pretty sure she started dabbling in drugs that summer. And she..." he tried to find the right words. "I guess you could say she had several male friends. But another one of the rules was that I couldn't try to parent her or act too much like a big brother. When I'd slip up and try saying something...she'd shut down and I wouldn't see her for days. There was this one particularly bad time right before...before it all...I didn't see her for two weeks. And even after that, things weren't quite normal. Then..." He looked down into his coffee cup. Olivia was watching him and listening. "She was in so much pain...all the time...maybe that's why she found me. She needed someone to be there...but...I couldn't help her like she needed. I thought that maybe it was just...the age. Being a teenager. I should have taken care of her...like I promised..."

"You couldn't have known then what was going to happen."

"No...but I could have...back then...I could have done things differently."

"What happened, Ed?"

_Ed was sitting on his couch with a woman, talking, when a loud rapping on the window came from the bedroom. He sighed. He'd been trying to ignore it, but it was getting more persistent. His date was getting suspicious._

_"I'll be right back." He said. "Pigeons." He slipped into the bedroom and went to the window and opened it._

_"Hey Eddie, baby, what's going on? I just got in, I figured you'd be outside by now." Misha said. She was very obviously intoxicated with alcohol or drugs...or both. _

_Ed put his hand over her mouth. "Sssh. I've got company." He hissed. "And you've been partying too hard. You should go home."_

_"Oooh, a date?" She tried peering around him. "I sure hope she's prettier than the last one..." _

_"Misha." He said. He pushed her gently. He didn't need his date to see her. "Calm down. Go home."_

_"You know, you're a mean sober." She giggled. He glared at her, and she patted his cheek. "Fine, grouchy. I'll meet you outside later?"_

_"Probably not...it's getting late."_

_"So?"_

_"So...I'm probably in for the night." He said. _

_She nodded, looking into his eyes. Then she got what he was saying. Her eyes went dark. "Right. Yea. Gotcha. It's cool, I'll head back to the party."_

_"No, you should-"_

_"Get back to your date, Eddie. Don't forget protection, you don't know where it's been." Then before he could reply, she was gone. He shut the window in frustration, and gave the bed a kick. Then he calmly returned to his date._

_Over the next week or so he saw Misha some, but neither said anything about what had happened. Things were at a strained point again. Then her parents came home and she started school. _

_It was a few weeks after school started again, that Ed lay asleep in his bed. He awoke to someone pounding on the window. He opened his eyes and looked at the clock. It was close to 2 am. He looked at the window and immediately woke up. Misha was outside, and was clearly upset. He got out of bed and went to the window and opened it. She'd been crying._

_"Mish? What's wrong?"_

_"I'm leaving."_

_"What?" He was still slightly out of it from sleep._

_"I can't do this anymore...I can't stay here...I-I'm going. Come with me." She was in hysterics._

_"Misha, come inside." He said._

_"No! No! Please, Eddie! Please c-come with me!" She started pulling on his arm. _

_He used his strength to pull her in the window. He sat her down on the bed and sat beside her. He clicked the lamp on. "Tell me what's going on."_

_"Nothing! Nothing new! Everything is the same as it's always gonna be. I can't be here anymore! Don't you get it? I'm leaving. Right now." She jumped up and pulled on his arm again. "Please Eddie."_

_"Did something happen?" He grabbed her hands to hold her still in front of him._

_"I had this fight with my parents, okay? And...I-I'm not gonna let them do that to me. I'm not going to let them control my life!" She pulled away from him and started pacing around the room._

_"How are they trying to control your life?"_

_"We were fighting about my grades, which is stupid because my grades are just fine. We started yelling and at some point I told my mom that if she wasn't drunk all the time she'd realize my grades were average and fine. So she slapped me. Then Dad started yelling at me telling me everything that's wrong with me, and when I blamed them, they only got worse. So I said I didn't give a shit because I'm going away to college soon, out of state, far away...and Dad said no. He said that he would not pay a cent for me to go to a university out of state, when he could pay much less for a community college right here in the city, and I could live at home. I'm not living at home! I'm not! I don't need them, Eddie! I don't need them or their money!"_

_"Sssh, calm down." He soothed as he stood and wrapped his arms around her. _

_She shook her head and shut her eyes, as she tried to control her sobs. "They don't care, they never will."_

_"They do, Mish. They're just being idiots. Come sit down." _

_She turned out of his embrace. "No! I'm leaving town! Tonight. I'm going...anywhere but here. I'm going out to Oklahoma or somewhere, I don't know. Come with me." She looked up into his eyes, her own brimming with tears as she begged. "You said you'd always look out for me, well come with me. You can be a cop anywhere, it's all the same. You said you'd like to see more of the world one day, well let's go! Right now! Please." Her pain was shattering him._

_"No, Misha. You just need to calm down, get a decent nights rest." _

_She rolled her eyes. "I don't need to calm down, I need to leave. I thought we were friends."_

_"We are...but..." He didn't know what to say._

_She stepped forward and grasped tightly to his white tank top. "I'll miss you, Eddie. If you don't come with me...I'll miss you."_

_"I'll miss you, too. Don't leave. You can crash on my couch and in the morning we can figure something out. There are other solutions, Misha." He said._

_"No. I don't want to stay in the city. I want to leave."_

_"Misha." He said softly. He put his hand on her shoulder. "I promise you, things can work out. Just do this the right way. You're all worked up right now, you're not seeing things clearly." He wiped his hands across her teary face. "Just stay." He said. "The quilt and pillow you used last time are still out there. Just use my couch...get some sleep." _

_She looked into his eyes for a moment, then looked down and crossed her arms. "Sleeping won't fix things. Come morning, I'll still want to leave. I may as well go now."_

_"Misha. Stay. If you still want to leave in the morning, I will give you some cash and...help you figure something out. Just stay."_

_She looked at him, then back down, thinking. Then again, she raised her eyes to his. "Okay...but I don't want to sleep on the couch." She whispered. She put her hand on his cheek._

_"Mish." He said. He backed away. "Don't do that."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because it's wrong. It's not going to happen." He moved to put more space between them._

_"Why is it wrong?" She asked. She had calmed quite a bit, but she was still very emotional._

_"Because. I'm 29 and you're-"_

_"Shut up."_

_"You're 16." He finished. "It's not going to happen, it was never going to happen."_

_"It's not wrong if I want it, too." She said._

_"One, I don't want it. And two, you don't know what you want. You may not like me saying it, but you're 16. You can't know what you want. Not when it comes to this. This is just some...some conquest...some obsession." He said._

_"So because of a damn law, it's wrong!" _

_"No, that's just one reason."_

_"I'll be 17 in two weeks...that's legal."_

_"That's not the point...it's still...too young."_

_"Y'know, 200 years ago girls my age were married to men older than you and mothering children! And they were _lucky_ if they loved their husbands!"_

_"How is that even relevant!" He finally shouted. "That was 200 years ago! Don't you see? This is my point, you're acting like a child! _You_ are a child!" _

_She started pacing again and getting hysterical again. "Acting like a child! A child! Damnit Eddie! Damn you! Don't you get it! It's relevant because I love you! I've been in love with you for a long time now! This is not a conquest, this is me being in love with you! I'm not acting like a child, I'm acting like me begging the man I love to run away with me!"_

_"You can't know love at this age." He said calmly._

_"Why not! What law of nature says that because I'm 16 I don't know what love is?"_

_"Because you have to grow up and learn some things first!"_

_"Like what? Like how to be all shut off like you? To not let myself want the things I want!"_

_"Misha...you need to go home."_

_"No. Just tell me..."_

_"Tell you what?"_

_"Tell me what you feel!" She shouted. "I see it! As hard as you ignore it, I see it! Just tell me." _

_"You want to know how I feel!" He shouted, stepping toward her. "I feel like some damn toy in a toy store that a three year old is having a tantrum over! I feel like I've done everything to be a good friend to you, and now I regret it! I regret making you think something would ever happen between us, because it won't! Never!"_

_"Go to hell." She walked to the window. _

_"How mature!" He snapped. _

_"Oh quit acting so much better than me! You may be 29, but you also have a lot to learn. Just stay here and live unhappy. I don't care. I'm getting far away. I don't need you to be happy."_

_"Don't," he said, softly. He closed his eyes and set his hand on his forehead, trying to calm himself. "Don't run away like this." _

_She whipped around. "Make up your mind!" She said. "You want me to stay, or go?"_

_"I want you to stay...but not in the way you want to stay." He said._

_"It doesn't work that way." She opened the window and climbed out. She had a backpack on the fire escape._

_"You're really leaving?"_

_"Yes. This is your last chance...come with me or make me stay." She looked at him, her eyes begging. "You always said you'd protect me...so protect me."_

_"I...I can't." _

_She climbed over the railing. "Bye Eddie." _

_"I'll go wake your parents, right now." He warned._

_"And tell them what? That you've been watching my bedroom window and saw me sneak out? Yea that'll go over well."_

_"I'll look for you. I'll make it an official search."_

_"And again...tell them what? Sorry, Eddie...there's nothing else you can do."_

_And she was gone. He dropped to the floor inside his window, unable to think._

"Did you look for her after that?" Olivia's voice brought him back to reality. He looked up at her.

"A bit. Her parents came to me and said she was gone, and that since I knew her and was a cop would I look for her. So I put on a show for them of searching her room and making some calls...but...then I led them to the right place to file the report and...I was done with it. I've barely spoken to them all these years. Sometimes I catch her mom watching me and...I have no idea what she's thinking of me." He said. "I didn't...I'm not...I'm not like the guys you see. I'm not. I don't get my kicks from young girls." His voice shook.

Olivia placed a hand over his. "I know that. No one's accusing you."

"I am. I always have."

"And that night...did you want to..."

"No." He said quickly.

"Let me put it this way...if it was the same scenario and she had been 20 or so...would you have?"

He shook his head and ran his hand over his mouth. "No...I don't know." He finally said. "Does that make me-"

"No. The difference between you and the scum we deal with is that you know what's right and wrong. You actually cared about her, didn't you?"

"She...she was like my baby sister...of course I cared. But-"

"But nothing. That's all in the past, and you did the right thing. You gotta stop beating yourself up over it."

"It is my fault she's like this, though. I turned her out. I should have ignored her, and not cared about how it looked, and I should have looked for her. After awhile I actually had myself convinced she was off living in England or some beautiful far off place...and that she was finally happy...and this whole time...she was here. Living on and off the streets...doing...who knows what...all these years..." He faded off. Olivia didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. She just sat with him and held onto his hand.

Benson and Green, later, made their way upstairs. The elevator doors opened again and they walked down the hall.

"Go home." She told him. They stopped in front of Misha's room.

"I can't. I think I'm just gonna head to the precinct look through all those files again."

"You haven't slept."

"I can't sleep. I'd rather work."

"Okay. Do you want some help at least?"

"No, you should go back to bed. I'm sorry you had to get up and come out here." He said, looking into the room.

"Don't worry about me. I got a few hours in, I'm good."

"I'm just gonna say goodbye to her before we go." He said. He let himself in the room and crept to Misha's side. She was still fast asleep. Ed set his hand on the top of her head and watched her for a moment, then kissed her forehead. "I'll come back." He whispered. Then he left the room.

"Ready?" Olivia asked.

"Yea." He looked at the officer standing guard. "Thanks, man." He said. The officer just nodded. The two detectives silently left the hospital.

The sun had since come up, as a couple people filed in. Ed was sitting at his desk, going through files, and Olivia was across from him at Fontana's desk. She was head down on the desk, snoozing. She'd fallen asleep hours ago, and Ed let her be.

"You're here early, Green." A detective said, walking past.

"Yea." He replied.

Before long, Van Buren walked in. "Please tell me you got some sleep last night," she said, stopping at his desk. She looked at Benson. "And tell me why you've got her here."

"I ran into her at the hospital and she offered to come in with me." Ed said.

"What were you doing at the hospital?"

"I was behaving myself, don't worry. Benson was okay with it."

"Fine. Have you found anything new?"

"Nope."

"Go home."

"No thank you."

"Suit yourself." She said. She knocked on Fontana's desk, then walked to her office.

Olivia awoke and sat up, looking around. "What time is it?" She asked with a yawn.

"Eight." He said.

"You should have woken me up. I would have-"

"Don't worry about it. There's nothing to find in any of this." He said. He tossed the file down on the desk and stood up. "I've got some spare clothes in the locker room, I'm gonna go change."

"Yea, I've got some down at SVU. I'll be back later on with Elliott." She stood up.

"Thanks for your help."

"Anytime," she said giving his hand a squeeze.


	8. My Immortal

**AN: Come on guys, let me know if you like the story or  
not and if you want me to continue posting it :) Please? Good  
or bad, I'd just like to know what ya think. **

**  
**

**My Immortal**

"_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me."_

_Evanescance _

Ed and Joe were siting at their desks, when Elliott Stabler walked in. "Hey guys. Olivia went back to the hospital, she'll call us if Misha feels like talking." He said.

"Good, good." Ed said with a nod. "Fontana and I are going to talk to Tate's partner soon."

"What can I do?"

"Goren and Eames are on their way down here," Joe explained. "Van Buren wants them to go to the club and look around, check out the crime scene, and see if they can find something we missed."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Borgia is still working on getting the LUDs for Johnson's cell and the clubs phone. Apparently we still don't have enough."

"Weren't there a few collect calls to Tate's phone from Rikers?" Elliott asked.

"Yes, but it's hard to say who made them."

"I could go down there and poke around." He offered.

"Go ahead," Ed agreed. "Hopefully someone knows something more. Also, feel free to stop and visit our friend Brandon and get some names from him."

"We need to stop by Faulk, and see why Johnson wants to sell." Fontana remembered.

"Guess we've got our work cut out for us." Stabler said. He sat down, and the three waited on Goren and Eames so to fill them in. The two soon arrived, and got the game plan. Van Buren had walked over to see where everyone stood on the case.

"Logan wanted us to tell you he's up for helping in any way." Eames told Van Buren.

"I don't want to monopolize everyone's detectives," Van Buren said. "If it comes to it, I'll call Deakins. I really appreciate all of you helping on this one." Everyone nodded. "Okay, get going." She waved her hand. They all stood to leave, then Stabler's phone rang.

"Stabler...uh-huh...alright. Yep." He hung up and looked at Green.

"Misha wants to see you."

"Has she said anything about the attack yet?"

"I don't think so."

"Stabler, why don't you go with Fontana? And Green, you go to the hospital." Van Buren suggested.

Ed knocked on the hospital room door. Benson opened it and let him in. He looked over at Misha, who was eating her breakfast.

"Hey." He said with a smile.

"Don't get too happy yet, Eddie." Misha said.

"I'll be outside," Olivia said to Misha.

"She's cool," Misha said, once Olivia had left.

Ed sat down beside her. "Yeah, she is. She's trying to help with your case. She really needs you to tell her what happened, Mish."

"You seem to be doing good."

"I am. But-"

"Still living in the same place?"

"Yes. Misha I need-"

"My parents still there?"

"They are, but-"

"Have they noticed I'm gone yet?" She looked up at him, a hint of the troubled child she once was flickered on her face. Just as quick, it was gone, and her face went cold again.

"Of course they have. You should go home...let them know you're alive. They miss you."

"Whatever. Tell them I'm just fine, if you want. But I'm not going back. The past is the past."

Ed sighed and took her hand. "Misha, please tell Olivia what happened to you. If Paul Johnson did this, just say it. He'll never be able to hurt you again."

Misha took her hand back. "Did you ever stop long enough to think about me?"

"All the time."

"Uh-huh, sure...I saw you once, y'know. In the subway. It was a couple years back. I asked you for some change and you ignored me like I wasn't even there. You didn't even look at me."

"I'm sorry. I...you should have said something."

"Why? What would it have done?"

"I would have known where you were...I could have helped you." He said.

"Guess I never thought about you wanting to help me."

"Misha. I want to know everything about these past six years. I want to know where you've been and what you've been doing...but first I want you to talk to Olivia."

"If I talk to her...will you leave me alone?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Leave you alone. Until you feel better. Of course."

"No. Leave me alone for good. You're not a part of my life anymore, Eddie, and I don't want you to be. Everything's different...I want you gone."

"Don't say that."

"I'm sorry if you don't like my choices."

He sighed. "Fine. Whatever you want. Just talk to her."

"Okay."

They sat in silence for awhile, and he watched her. "What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"That first day of summer." She replied quietly. He felt a small smile come to his lips. They had had bad days, normal days, and then...the almost perfect days. Like the one she was thinking of.

"That was a good day." He agreed.

_It was a beautiful warm Sunday morning. The first official day of summer. They were strolling through the park after having a nice breakfast of bagels and coffee. Ed felt her hand slip through his. He looked down at her hand then to her. She smiled and shrugged. _

_"It feels like a walking through the park holding hands kind of day." She explained. _

_He laughed. "It does." He gave her hand a squeeze. "What do you want to do today, hm?"_

_"Well...you never stop saying how much you love this city...show me why I should love it." She said. _

_He nodded. "Okay...let me think of some things."_

_"Don't hurt yourself."_

_"Very funny." He thought for a long time as they walked. "Okay, I got it. Come on." _

_"Where we going?"_

_"You'll see."_

_They spent the entire day together, all over the city, doing nothing but everything. The day ended with a nice meal at a casual outdoor cafe. They sat across from one another as they finished their desserts._

_"So did you enjoy yourself?" He asked._

_"I did. Thank you, Eddie."_

_He grinned. "It's what I'm here for. Ready to go home now?"_

_"Hmm...I don't think the perfect day is complete yet."_

_"It's not?"_

_"Nope." She eyed the couples dancing to the live band. "I think a great ending would be dancing in the moonlight. I've never danced in the moonlight." _

_"Oh I don't know..." he said._

_"C'mon, please? Just one dance?"_

_"Okay, okay. I guess it would be rude of me to say no when a lady has asked me to dance."_

_"It would."_

_"Then, by all means, let's dance in the moonlight." He stood up and extended his hand. She took it and he led her over to where everyone was dancing. He gave her a little spin and pulled her to him, and placed a hand on her hip as they danced. He started humming to the song, then the hums grew to soft singing. He gave her another spin. "Cause you're my brown-eyed girl. Do you remember when we used to sing, sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-de-dah-de-dah."_

_Misha laughed, leaning her head back. "Don't embarrass me." She said. _

_He grinned and stopped singing long enough to retort, "You saying I'm a bad singer?"_

_"No, I'm saying you're crazy."_

_"But you're having fun, aren't you?"_

_"Yes," she nodded. "I am."_

_"Then may I keep singing?"_

_"By all means." _

_The band had since started a new song, and Ed dipped her as he started singing along. "They keep it loose, they keep it tight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight..."_

"Yea, it was a good day." She finally said. "But as I said, the past is the past."

"I miss the past, though."

"So do I."

"Then why-"

"Ed the only reason you want to take care of me now is to prove something to yourself or...or make yourself feel better. Just forget it, okay? You want me to talk to Olivia, I will. Now."

"But-"

"Eddie."

He sighed. "Okay." He stood up and brought Benson into the room. "Go...talk." He said to Misha.

"Maybe you should wait outside," Olivia said quietly. Ed looked at Misha, who wouldn't look at him. "Go on Ed. I'll let you in as soon as she's done." He nodded and left the room. After awhile, the door opened. "Detective Green." He got up and walked back in. Misha was looking uncomfortable and upset.

"She okay?" Ed asked Olivia.

"She will be."

"Was it Johnson?"

"Yep."

"He's evil." Misha said softly. "He's killed people before...he...he won't like that...that I..."

Ed stepped to her side. "You're safe, Misha. I promise. Now we can put him away. But we'll need to talk to you about him and the men that were killed yesterday."

"He killed Nathan and Harvey. I know it. What else can I say?"

"You'll sit down with me and my partner and tell us all about the night before they were killed and whatever else you know. And you'll have to pick Johnson out of a line up." Ed said. He stood there a moment. "Mish?"

"What?"

"Nathan...did you love him? Was he good to you?"

"I don't do love." She looked up at him. "I made that mistake once. But yea, he took care of me. It was enough."

"I'm sorry, then...that you lost him."

"Fine. Leave now." She said.

"Okay. I'll leave. Olivia will bring you to the station later, then you'll come back here for more rest." He started to go.

"Wait, Eddie." Misha said. Ed turned back. "I've always hoped I might see you again one day...that you would see me and see who I am. I wanted to give something to you." She pointed to the bedside table. "That napkin in the drawer...I've been carrying it around, waiting to give it to you. I wrote it along time ago, so don't go getting your ego in a twist. You always said you wanted to read my poetry...so...go ahead and take it. We're done, now. You're off the hook." She said. Then she turned and faced the window. Ed reached into the drawer and found an old brown napkin. It was worn and wrinkled, with ink blots. He opened it and saw words written up and down it, then he folded it back and put it into his pocket. He looked down at her, then leaned over and kissed her forehead gently. She closed her eyes and her breath got caught in her throat.

"I _am_ sorry." He whispered against her skin. She placed her hand on the back of his head and they both remained still for a moment. He pulled away and looked at Olivia. "I'll call Stabler and let him know, and we'll pick up Johnson."

"Okay. Call when you're ready for me to bring her down."

"I will."

Ed sat in his car outside the hospital and pulled the napkin from his pocket, and read it.

"_numb"_

_i take it all_

_i use it all_

_anything_

_to mask what i truly_

_crave_

_what i _

_need_

_because the only drug_

_that will ease my pain_

_the only drug that will_

_release me_

_i cannot have_

_just one_

_taste_

_how it would _

_heal me_

_i can't have it_

_so i use _

_everything_

_anything_

_else_

_i dream of that one taste_

_oh i just need one taste_

_one taste of your lips_

_one touch of your skin_

_one moment of your love_

_it's the only drug i can't have_

_i can't have you _

_i need you _

_i take every drug_

_to ease me_

_from the only one i'll never have_

_the one that wouldn't have me_

"What did I do to her?" He asked himself. He lay his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. It was the only time he'd ever read anything she'd written, and it broke his heart.


	9. Fix You

**Fix You**

"_Tears stream down on your face  
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes  
Tears stream down your face  
And I...  
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you." _

_Coldplay_

Ed picked up his phone and called Van Buren. "She ID'd Johnson."

"Wonderful. Is she coming in?"

"Yes. Once we have Johnson there and ready. We just need to call Benson and she will bring Misha in for a line up and then Misha is going to talk about the murders."

"Okay, well get on back here. I'll have Stabler pick up Johnson."

"Let me do it, Lieu."

"No way. You're coming back here. I'm not even sure I'm comfortable with you questioning him, so just come back here. Joe will help Stabler bring Johnson in."

"Fine, I'm on my way." He hung up and pulled his car into traffic. His thoughts went back to the poem. 'You've been given a second chance,' he thought to himself. 'Make things right for her.' He spent the rest of the ride going over ideas of how to help Misha, once he convinced her to let him.

Ed was sitting at his desk. Goren and Eames were standing nearby. They had just returned from speaking with Tate's business partner.

"His name is Kyle Wyatt. He's young and completely clueless." Eames said.

"What exactly do he and Tate do?" Ed asked.

"Nothing exciting at all. They lease office equipment."

"And they actually make money off of that?"

"Wyatt says they make decent profit, but not great." Goren said. "Which would explain why Tate would want to make some extra cash. He bought a piece of the club, under the table, a couple years back. At least, according to some of the boys Johnson has locked up. He also helped Foster with selling."

"So where did he get this money to begin with? He had to have had a nice chunk to buy off Johnson." Ed said.

"Unfortunately," said Eames, "a couple years back, one of Tate and Wyatt's trucks got held up. It was full of computers, a couple copy machines..." she trailed off.

"Let me guess, never solved?" Ed asked.

Eames shook her head. "Apperently Tate convinced Wyatt they didn't need to report it."

"And Wyatt knows nothing about Johnson"

"Nope." She said.

"We also visited Faulk." Goren said. "He says that Johnson has been looking to sell for a few months now, but no one's buying. He tried explaining that he and Johnson were in a meeting yesterday...but...he was lying."

"How do you know?" Ed asked.

Goren shrugged. "He was lying." He repeated.

"Right. That doesn't do us much good until he admits it." The three looked up as Fontana and Stabler walked in with Johnson in cuffs. They all stood as Johnson was walked past them and taken to an interrogation room. Stabler and Fontana returned.

"He sure put up a fuss." Fontana said.

"And his lawyer should be here in no time. His wife was there when we picked him up." Stabler said.

"Too bad for him, we've got Misha." Ed replied. "Speaking of which," he pointed to Elliott. "Have you heard from Olivia?"

"Nope."

Ed pulled out his cell and dialed her number. "Benson." She answered.

"Hey it's Green."

"Ed. Hey."

"You sound stressed," he said, worried. "What's wrong?"

"She's gone."

"What do you mean gone?"

"Gone! What do you think I mean? I went to get a cup of coffee and I just came back, and she's gone!"

"What the hell? What about the officer outside her room!" He shouted. Everyone stared.

"I don't know. I guess he wasn't paying enough attention, cause she slipped out."

"Unbelievable." He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Ed."

"Well we have to find her!"

"I know, I'm on my way down there." She said. They hung up and Ed broke the news to everyone.

"We can't hold him long without her." Fontana said.

"I know...that's why we're going to find her." He replied. He looked over at Van Buren's door. She looked up from her desk and saw something was up, and walked over. When the news was broken to her, she shook her head.

"Okay, let's try and keep this as quiet as possible. Johnson's lawyer hear's about this and they're gone. That includes Borgia and Novak. In fact, not a word to anyone that doesn't need to know." And she turned on her heel and went back to her office.

"Olivia's on her way down here," Ed said. "We should go talk to Brandon and see if he knows where she's been living or staying...where she might go. We can check the club, we should-"

"Calm down, Green. Just calm down." Stabler said.

"No time. We need to find her."

"We will, man. Let's just wait for Liv to get here so we can all go over the facts, then we'll split up."


	10. Time After Time

**AN: Sorry the editing is taking so long. My free time is sparse.  
Thanks to those that have left me comments:)**

**  
Time After Time**

"_If you're lost you can look  
and you will find me  
time after time  
if you fall I will catch you  
I'll be waiting  
time after time."_

_Cyndi Lauper_

Ed stood outside the club and closed his eyes as he thought. He had no idea where else to go. He and Joe had stopped at the club five times by then, and nothing came of it. They had also gone to his apartment, and gone to Johnson's house. Stabler and Benson were talking to people on the street who may have known Misha or Nathan to get idea's where to look. Eames and Goren had gone to speak with Brandon. Ed's phone rang. "Green."

"Hey," said Eames. "Got an address for Foster's apartment."

"You're beautiful. Give it to me." He quickly wrote the address down and ended the call. "C'mon Joe."

The two headed over to the apartment. The building was old and rundown, which didn't surprise Ed at all. They found the right door and knocked on it. No one answered. Ed pressed his ear to the door, he could only hear silence.

"No one's here." Joe said shaking his head.

"Maybe we should go in and-"

"Ed, no one's here and we have no reason to break in. Come on, we'll catch up with Benson and Stabler and see what they got." Ed listened at the door a minute longer, then tried the knob. It was locked.

"Fine, let's call them." He said.

"Any luck?" Olivia asked, when Ed and Joe walked up to her and Stabler.

"Nope." Ed shook his head. He leaned against the side of the building where they were all standing. "What'd you get?"

"Found a lot of people that know Nathan, some knew Misha. It took a lot of convincing to make them talk." Elliott replied. "We got a list of corners, shops, park benches, etc. of where Nathan liked to sell."

"By now the best bet is to check these places out, hang around and see if she shows." Olivia said.

"We got anyone at the hospital in case she goes back?" Joe asked.

"Yes. And if she walks into the 2-7, Van Buren will call us." Olivia shrugged. "It's about all we can do. I just spoke to Eames, she and Goren are going to sit at the club for awhile."

"Let's see the list." Ed said. She handed it to him. He scanned it quickly and tore it in half. "Call if you find her or when you finish the list. Whichever comes first."

"Yes sir." Elliott said under his breath with an eye roll. Olivia slapped him in the gut and gave him a look. Ed, oblivious to it all, took off down the street. Joe just shrugged at Olivia and Elliott then jogged after his partner.

"You could cut them a break, you know." Joe said.

"Huh?"

"Everyone's putting their all into helping this case."

Ed slowed his pace and looked at Joe. "I know, man. I know I just...I..." He looked down at his feet.

"I know."

Goren and Eames were hanging in their SVU across the street from the club. Bobby was in the passenger seat and Alex was in the drivers seat, as they both had their eyes on the building. "She's not going to show." Bobby said quietly.

"Anything is possible."

"She isn't going to go anywhere that we can find her, Eames. She doesn't want to talk to any of us, she doesn't want to confront Johnson."

"Where do you suggest we go?" She turned and looked at him.

"I don't know. Maybe we should go talk to Johnson."

"We can't. We can't let on that she's skipped."

"Who said we'd tell?"

"What exactly will we ask Johnson then?" Alex asked.

"Get a better idea of how well he knew Misha. See what he knew about her relationship with Nathan."

"It's too risky. His lawyer will smell a rat, if he even lets us speak to his client."

"Must you be so negative?" Bobby asked.

"I'm being realistic. She may show. Let's just wait. Once it gets dark, she'll need to go somewhere."

"You really think we'll find her?" Elliott asked Olivia, as they stood under a tree down from one of Nathan's benches.

"She didn't want to be found for six years...and she wasn't."

"Then what are we doing?"

"Our jobs. When have we ever not looked for someone just because they don't want to be found?" She asked.

"I know. It just feels like while we do this, since it _is_ our case, that the others should be working on getting Johnson arrested."

"If this were any other case, maybe...but this is personal to one of ours. You know it's always all in when it's close."

"Speaking of close." Elliott glanced at his partner. "You seem to be getting close to this case."

"No more than usual." She looked away and kept her gaze on the bench and the area around it.

"I'm just sayin-"

"I had no choice, Elliott. I was picked to babysit her and she took off on my watch." She finally met his eyes. "I spoke with Ed some...he told me some things that...I just want to help him out. He's a good guy and..."

"And what?" He raised an eyebrow.

"And nothing. Come on, let's check the next place." She started walking and Elliott watched her go for a minute, then went after her.

Ed and Joe were at the fourth place on their list when Ed's phone rang. "Green."

"Detective Green," came Alex Borgia's voice. "How about you and your pals meet me at the courthouse?"

"May I ask what this is pertaining to?" He tapped Joe on the shoulder.

"Oh you know perfectly well what it _pertains_ to, Ed. Meet me. Now."

Ed put his phone away after being hung up on. "C'mon Joe. Borgia's on to us. You call Goren I'll call Benson. Tell them to keep looking for Misha while we go try to keep Johnson in."

The two arrived at the courthouse and ran into Borgia on the steps outside. She did not look happy.

"Afternoon." Ed said politely with a smile.

"Can it. Why the hell did you not tell me Misha Sullivan ran off?" She crossed her arms and glared at both men.

"We wanted to try and find her before you released Johnson." Joe answered.

"Because I'm not on your side, right?"

"Basically." Ed said, forgetting his manners and crossing his arms back.

"You know, maybe if you had shared this with me I could have helped before Mr. Ross found out and before he made us release Johnson."

"You released Johnson!" Ed leaned foreword slightly. "How could you do that?"

"You left me no choice! Misha was our only witness. We had nothing from her other than her telling Detective Benson what happened. And unfortunately, that gets us nowhere. If you had trusted me, maybe we could have gotten something better!"

"Don't blame us." Ed said through gritted teeth. He pointed a finger at her. "_You_ released him." He turned and started down the steps.

"Green!" She called after him. He ignored her and she turned to Fontana. "Find Misha." Then she turned on her heel and went inside the building. Joe threw up his hands in defeat and went down the courthouse steps as he pulled out his phone. At that point, they needed everyone to meet up and find a better course of action.

The detectives and Van Buren all stood together at the 2-7 in silence until Ed erupted. "I can't believe this!" He shouted. "It's not right! We finally had something on him!"

"I'm so sorry," Olivia said again.

Ed held her gaze briefly. "No...it's not your fault. She didn't want to be there...it was only a matter of time."

"Elliott and I will keep looking," Olivia offered.

"No. Ed and Joe can look." Van Buren said sharply. "Goren and Eames start a new angle, okay? Go get written statements from the boys Johnson has locked up falsely, find witnesses, find out if it's true. Brandon thinks Johnson has raped other women...get those names, give them to Benson and Stabler. If there are so many people that knew what Johnson was up to, they have to be somewhere. This is ending now." She walked away clearly needing a moment to cool off.

"Let's all keep in contact," Bobby said. They all nodded, and went their separate ways.

Four hours later, Van Buren walked into the interrogation room, where the detectives had once again gathered. Misha was still missing, but there were at least more names of witnesses and victims to look into. "Everyone go home. Get some rest. We'll start off fresh in the morning. At least we have more to work with." She said.

"That's it? Just go home? Go sleep? Let the scumbag sleep in his big bed in his big house." Ed grumbled.

Van Buren glared at him. "For now, yes. We are all doing the best we can, Ed. I realize this is hard for you, but you either do this right or stay out of it." She replied. Someone's cell phone chirped.

Olivia answered hers. "Benson. Oh hey Cap." She stepped outside the room.

"Good night detectives." Van Buren said. She turned to leave the room as Benson walked back in.

"Lieutenant, may I speak with you?" She asked. The two women left the room.

"I guess that's that." Joe said. "Don't worry Ed, this will pan out."

"We've been saying that for two days now."

"It will." Goren spoke up. He stood. "Call us if you need anything." He and Eames shook hands with Ed and Joe. Stabler stood up as well.

"I'm sure we'll be in touch tomorrow." Elliott said to Joe and Ed.

As everyone was ready to walk out, Van Buren and Benson stepped back in. Van Buren silently walked in and Benson hovered at the door. She gave her partner a little signal to walk out of the room with her, and he followed. Then she made the same motion to Goren, Eames and Fontana. With questioning looks, the detectives all walked out into the observation room. Olivia shut the door behind them all, leaving Van Buren and Ed alone.

"Let me guess, you're finally taking me off the case?" Ed asked. He was standing still. Van Buren stepped up to the table and crossed her arms.

"What's going on?" Elliott asked in the observation room. Olivia said nothing, she just watched Ed.

"We found Misha." Van Buren said slowly.

"That's great. Where is she?" He stood up. "We need to get her in here and get Johns-"

"Ed." She interrupted. She looked down at her feet.

"No." Goren said, under his breath, as he watched the scene with the others.

Ed looked at Van Buren. "What is it Lieu?" He asked. She raised her head and looked at him. He studied her for a moment, and leaned over the table. He gripped his hands on the edge of the table and slowly let his head hang. "No," he whispered. "No. Don't..."

"I'm sorry Ed. Misha's dead."


	11. I Shall Be Released

**I Shall Be Released**

"_Yonder stands a man in this lonely crowd  
man who swears he's not to blame  
All day long I hear him hollering so loud  
just crying out that he's not to blame  
I see my light come shining  
From the west down to the east  
Any day now any day now  
I shall be released."_

_Bob Dylan_

Several gasps echoed in the observation room. Stabler brushed his hand over his face with a sigh. Joe shook his head in disbelief. Goren stood still, staring at the floor. Eames started shifting on her feet, "I can't watch this," she said, then walked off. Olivia stared into the room with her eyes still on Ed.

"No." Ed said again. His hands gripped tighter onto the table.

"They found her in Foster's apartment. Neighbors called in the gunshots." She said gently. She waited for him to ask about Johnson, but he said nothing so she continued. "Cragen got the call. She was wearing her hospital bracelet still and...the hospital called SVU...I'm sending the others to check out the scene..." She stood there, and he still said nothing. After a moment she walked to the door. "I'll leave you." She walked out and into the observation room. No one spoke for a moment.

Then Joe broke the silence. "You can't just leave him alone like that."

"He needs a minute." Van Buren replied. She glanced into the room just as Ed let out a roar of a scream and threw the table over. Everyone in the observation room jumped. Then Ed grabbed one of the chairs and threw it against the wall. Being that it was an old wooden chair, its legs flew off. Stabler walked off not wanting to watch. Goren gave Joe a friendly pat on the back and led him out of the room as well. Van Buren and Benson stood together and watched as Ed grabbed another chair, turned it upside down and proceeded in hitting it repeatedly against the wall as it broke to pieces. He stood, helplessly, with only a chair leg in his hand and looked around the room.

"Not like this...it wasn't supposed..." He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. "Misha, it wasn't..." He leaned over and let out another scream. He rested his hands on his knees and closed his eyes, breathing hard. He slowly turned his head and flickered a glance to the mirror. "Out." He said softly. So softly, they could barely tell he was talking to them. Then he stepped closer to the mirror and said louder. "Out. Whosoever in there, get out."

"Come on," Van Buren said to Benson. She started to walk out, but Olivia stayed. "He'll be okay. I'm going to put in a call to Skoda and the rest of you have work to do." She said.

Benson slowly nodded, then turned from the window. "Okay." She replied quietly. She followed Van Buren out of the room.

At the very same moment, Ed picked up a third chair and threw it against the mirror. "Out!" He yelled. The mirror shattered just as Benson and Van Buren stepped out of the observation room. They both spun around. When Ed finally saw that no one was watching, he fell to the floor in front of the mirror and leaned against the wall, his hands flat over the pieces of broken glass surrounding him. "I'm sorry Misha, I'm sorry." He said. He dropped his head and closed his eyes. He was out of breath, his mind was racing, and everything was a blur. His chest was tight, and he had a lump in his throat like a rock. He felt like he should be crying, but he couldn't. So he just sat there. "I'm sorry..."

The squad room was silent. Van Buren and the five other detectives stood quietly outside the observation room. Almost everyone else had gone home for the day, only a few other detectives were around, and they were all trying to look busy while also watching the drama unfold.

"Okay," Van Buren finally said. "Benson, Stabler go to Fosters apartment. Goren and Eames, go with. Figure out what happened, find something to link Johnson, and call me. Fontana, stick here for now. I want you to go sit on Johnson, but I don't want you going on your own. Since Ed's in no shape to join you, we'll get someone else." No one moved. "Today!" She barked. Goren, Eames, and Stabler started to walk off. Benson was standing in a daze.

"Liv." Stabler said from across the room.

She snapped to and looked up. "I'm coming." She walked up to him and the four left the building.

"You okay?" Elliott asked her, as they walked.

"Fine." She replied quickly. Then she sighed. "That was rough."

"It's far from over." Goren said, from in front of them. They continued walking, and reached their cars.

"We'll see you out there." Eames said.

Stabler nodded. He and Olivia got into their car. He looked over at her. "What?" He asked.

She kept her gaze out the window. "She should still be in the hospital...she'd still be alive."

"Don't blame yourself." Elliott said, as he pulled into traffic.

"It's hard not to."

"The only thing that would have kept her there would have been a pair of cuffs. You did what you could."

"Tell that to Green."

Fontana and Van Buren stood in her office. She had just hung up with Skoda, who was on his way in. She looked at Joe, who was leaning against the door with his arms crossed. He met her eyes. "We were there, Lieutenant. We were outside his apartment..."

"There's nothing you could have done, understand that right now. I need you focused. I'd go after Johnson with you, but someone needs to stick around here." She looked out the window at the 3 detectives still hanging around. "Go see if Martinez will sit with you. I'll call as soon as we have something."

"Can't we just pick him up anyway?"

"We could, but we have to do this right. I spoke to Borgia, she's working on a warrant, but says it'll be easier if we have something."

"Good luck," he said sarcastically before leaving.

_"Misha...Misha, you home?" He called, knocking on her door. Her parents had left the day before for Chicago. With that and the fact that it was summer, she was probably still asleep. He knocked some more. "Come on Misha, get up." Finally the door opened. Misha was half-asleep in her bathrobe._

_"What do you want? It's not even noon." She said grumpily._

_"It's my day off, and my birthday. Let's go catch a movie or something."_

_"How about you go to a movie, then come back here when I'm ready to wake up?" She suggested._

_"So you're just gonna sleep all summer?" He leaned against the door jamb._

_"No. I'm going to eat and party...and whenever I'm not doing those two things, then I'll sleep." _

_He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should cut back on the partying and go to the movies more. There are a lot of good ones out."_

_"Eddie?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Go away." She shut the door in his face._

_"I'll buy you cheesecake!" He called through the door. _

_In no time, she had flung the door open and pulled him in. "You wait, I'll get ready." She said, dashing off to her room. _

_He laughed. "I knew that'd get you." He said across the apartment._

_"Yea yea." She replied from her room. She walked out a minute later, fully dressed. "What can I say...I just want you for your cheesecake." She smiled and walked out the door. _

_He followed with a laugh. "I knew it!"_

Ed groaned and rubbed his forehead, as if to make the memories go away. Her face and voice kept flashing through his mind.

_"I'm Misha Sullivan."_

_"Ed Green."_

He grasped the fabric of his pants, trying to hold himself together.

_"Don't worry Ed, you haven't seen the last of me."_

His fingers clenched and unclenched.

_"Nah, I mean a friend." He said softly._

_"You promise?"_

_"Yea, I do. We'll always be friends. Someone's gotta look out for you."_

He set his head back against the wall with a hard thud.

_"Well don't let yourself worry too much...then you'll start to care too much...and we all know that can't happen."_

"Wasn't supposed to be like this..." he mumbled.

_"You know exactly what I'm telling you, Eddie! You just keep pretending, we'll all be good."_

"...so sorry..." he continued with the mumbling.

_"I'll miss you, Eddie. If you don't come with me, I'll miss you."_

He shifted around so that he was parallel to the wall and he leaned his whole body against it.

_"Don't you get it! It's relevant because I love you! I've been in love with you for a long time now! This is not a conquest, this is me being in love with you!"_

He wrapped his arm around his face.

_"You always said you'd protect me...so protect me."_

_"No. Leave me alone for good. You're not a part of my life anymore, Eddie, and I don't want you to be. Everything's different...I want you gone."_

_"I think a great ending would be dancing in the moonlight."_

He turned back to his original position, draped his arms loosely on his raised knees, and stared at the wall ahead of him.

_"Bye Eddie."_

The last two kept playing again and again in his head, like a broken record. Without realizing it, he started softly hitting his head with his palm, and he also didn't realize that he was singing under his breath. "Everybody's dancing in the moonlight..."

Dr. Emil Skoda let himself into the room and looked around at the mess. He picked up the only non-broken chair and sat in it, and looked at Detective Green. A grown man, sitting around broken glass and chairs, hitting his forehead, and singing...he was a wreck. Skoda sat quietly for awhile, until Ed finally looked up and noticed him.

"Who sent you?"

"Lieutenant Van Buren."

"I don't need to talk to you. I need to..." he looked around. "I need to work on the case."

"No you don't. It's being taken care of."

"That's what you think."

"What does that mean?"

"No matter how hard we work this, he'll get away with it. He always does. It's no use." He said simply. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. "Not much you can do, Doc."

"This latest victim...Misha...she was your friend?"

"I'm not talking to you." Green said.

"You need to talk to someone."

"Please...just leave me alone. Just...go away...I'll...I'll...be fine." Ed said.

"Your Lieutenant and partner are worried about you."

He opened his eyes and glared at Skoda. "I said I'll be fine."

Skoda crossed his arms, and said nothing. After a long time of the two staring at each other, Ed spoke again.

"Look...someone I cared about was murdered...I'm allowed to be upset."

"Yes, you are."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was going to do things right this time. I was going to take care of her...I was going to fix her."

"We can't fix everything." Skoda said calmly.

"But I'm a cop...I should have been able to fix it...look, please...I can't do this now. I have to help with the case." He stood up, but swayed on his feet. He was lightheaded and dizzy.

"Maybe it would be best for you to go home and rest for a bit."

"I'm fine." Ed said through gritted teeth. He walked out the door and into the empty squad room. Everyone was gone, except Van Buren who was sitting in her office.

She walked out when she saw him. "You okay?" She glanced over at Skoda, who had followed Ed out. Skoda softly shook his head. "Come on Green, I'll drive you home." She said.

"No! I'm not going home! I'm working this case!"

"No, I'm sorry. You're not." She replied.

He dropped into his desk chair. "Fine. Then I'll sit right here and watch." He leaned forward and put his head down. Skoda sat across from him in Joe's desk and Van Buren lingered for a moment, then went back to her office. Within minutes, Ed had fallen into an emotionally exhausted sleep.


	12. Don't Take The Girl

**Don't Take The Girl**

"_Take the very breath you gave me  
Take the heart from my chest  
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me  
Make this my last request  
Take me out of this world  
God, please don't take the girl."_

_Tim McGraw _

The four detectives made their way into the broken down apartment. It was buzzing with activity. Benson was first in the kitchen where a blanket was laid out over the body. She crouched down beside it and pulled it back. She sighed and nodded. "Yea, that's Misha alright."

"Looks like she was shot twice." Goren said, kneeling beside Benson. He pulled the sheet back more and looked the body over. "Once in the chest and once in the head."

Benson shook her head. "No, look. Shoulder and stomach, too."

"Did he shoot her hand?" Eames asked. She and Stabler were standing on the other side of the body. Eames also crouched down and pointed at the left hand. "That's a lot of blood." She said.

"Is it hers?" Stabler asked, looking around.

"Maybe not." Goren said. He looked around the room some, then something caught his eye. He walked a few feet over to the counter and leaned down to peer under it. He slid on a glove and reached under and pulled out a bloody knife. He slid it into an evidence bag. "If she had it in her hand when she fell to the floor, and she dropped it, it would have slid right into place where it was."

"If that is the killers blood, then someone's walking around with a bad stab wound." Stabler said. He pulled out his cell. "We should alert the hospital's to be on the look out."

Benson stood up. "What was she doing here, and who was with her?" She started walking around the apartment. CSU had marked off a small blood trail to the front door. She ran her fingers over the door frame. It was all in tact. "Doesn't look like much of a struggle. Whoever it was, she either let him in or he was here when she got in."

"You think Foster and Johnson were tight enough for Johnson to have a key to the apartment?" Eames asked, walking over to Benson.

"I think I'm tired of having nothing but guesses with this guy. Let's send the blood off now and see who it brings up." Benson said. She and Eames looked around some more. Goren was pacing around the kitchen between one of the drawers and the entry to the kitchen and the body. Stabler was still talking on his cell.

"If he was already here when she got here," Goren finally spoke up. The other detectives looked up at him. "...then she might have come to the kitchen for a drink or food. So she walks in here, and he comes up behind her...maybe she heard him and grabbed the knife from the drawer. If she was staying here, she'd know exactly where it was." He walked to the knife drawer, which was next to the refrigerator, then looked at the body and shook his head. "Or maybe it wasn't in the drawer." He glanced at the dish rack next to the sink, it was a little closer to the area of the floor the body was on. "The knife was in the dish rack, and she got scared and grabbed it and turned around..." He faked taking a knife from the rack and turned slowly and jutted his hand out. "It was probably on reflex that she caught him...he of course wasn't expecting it so he jumped back some...maybe that's when they started arguing..." He took a few steps forward. "She moved towards him," he waved his fake knife around in front of him. "She threatened to hurt him again...telling him to leave..." He stopped halfway through the kitchen. "And he pulled out his gun...shot her...and ran. Normally he would cover his tracks...but he was wounded this time...she fell back...the knife under the counter..." He trailed off and crouched down again by the body, and looked across the floor at the drips of blood leaving the scene.

"But even if he was stabbed...why wouldn't he fix it up?" Stabler asked.

Goren looked around the room. "How tall was Misha?"

"A little shorter then me, I guess." Benson said. Goren nodded, and waved her over. She walked over to him.

"Stand facing the sink." He told her. She did. He grabbed a random uniform's arm and pulled him over. "What's your name?"

"Donny."

"You're close to Johnson's height...if you were to walk up behind her..."

Donny walked up behind Benson, who picked up a spoon and very slowly turned while holding the spoon out how one might be normally holding a knife to cut food. The spoon poked Donny right below the rib.

"Okay, so she gets him below his rib...it wouldn't have been enough, still, for him to forget to fix the scene." Stabler said.

"Unless he didn't surprise her like he thought he would." Eames spoke up. "Maybe she came in, somehow knew he was here, and was expecting him to come up behind her. She had her back to him and waited for him to get close enough...if he had his hand up," She waited while Benson turned back around and Donny stood behind her again. "Now if he had his hand up and ready to come over her mouth, she would have spun around and she could have gotten him good right in the stomach." She said. Benson spun around and jammed the spoon in Donny's stomach. Eames smiled grimly. "He would have been hurt pretty bad...but not bad enough to screw with his aim." The others nodded.

"Sounds like a good scenario," Benson said. "But I'd like to know for sure. There's nothing else here. I'm going to the ME's office so I know the second the test is done." They had just sent it out minutes before.

Stabler nodded. "Okay, let's go." He looked up at Goren. "Coming?"

"I'd like to stick around here for a bit." He replied, retracing the steps the two had just acted out.

"You do that." Stabler rolled his eyes.

Benson and Stabler were standing around ME Warner's lab while she did the tests. She finally stood up and walked over to them. "Well, it is most definitely not Misha's blood." Warner said.

"And?" Olivia asked.

"A perfect match to one Paul Johnson." She said with a smile. Stabler and Benson looked up at each other.

"I'll be damned, we finally have him." Stabler said.

"If we find him, we have him." Benson reminded him. She was already dialing her cell phone with the good news.

Van Buren walked out of her office and over to the desks where Goren and Eames were hanging out. They had returned roughly an hour before, and waited for the lab results. Green was still fast asleep at his desk, and Skoda had left leaving strict instructions to call him if they needed.

"It was a match." She told the two Major Case detectives.

"Just as we thought." Eames said. "Any word from Fontana?"

"He went through Johnson's home, but no one was there. He just called from the club, it's vacant as well."

"Any of the hospital's call in with stab wounds?" Goren asked.

"None that could be our guy." She said. Her phone in the office was ringing. "Be right back." She said. She walked off.

Eames looked at her partner. "Well for whatever reason he screwed up this time, I am thankful." She said. "All we need in this city is another Nicole Wallace." Though meant as a dark joke, her partner tensed up and his lip twitched. "Sorry." She added. He nodded. They both looked over as Ed started to stir in his chair. He sat up and looked around, a confused look on his face. Then knowing washed over his face as he remembered why he was still there. "Morning sunshine." Eames said gently.

Ed looked at her. "What happened?" He asked. "What'd you find?"

"How about some coffee?" Goren asked.

Ed shook his head. "No. Just fill me in."

Van Buren came out of her office and walked up to them. "Fontana's heading to check on one of the hospital's, but let's not get our hopes up." She looked at Ed. "How you feeling?"

"Like I don't know what's going on." He replied. Benson and Stabler trooped in at that moment.

"I'm sorry, Green. You're not on the case anymore." Van Buren said.

"I know...fine. I don't care. I'll stay out of it, just tell me what happened." He said. The others looked at Van Buren who finally nodded.

"Fine. They'll fill you in. I have to go call Borgia. But I mean it Ed...you're done with this case. I want you to go home and get some rest. You don't need to be here." She walked into her office and shut the door. Ed turned and looked at the other four detectives expectantly.

Everyone had a case of shifty-eye syndrome as they quietly tried to figure out who would speak and what would be said. Finally, Olivia cleared her throat.

"We're guessing that she went there to have somewhere to stay. It looks as if Johnson was either there already or she let him in...though I have a hard time believing she'd let him in that easy." She took a pause to gage Ed's response. He said nothing. "She was in the kitchen by the sink and from what we can only guess, there was some sort of struggle and she stabbed him...then he shot her." Ed nodded. "We're pretty certain she injured him good, so it's only a matter of time until he checks himself into a hospital."

Ed nodded again. He was quiet for awhile, then spoke. "How many times did he shoot her?"

"Four times." She replied.

He wove his hands together, rested his mouth against them, and stared at a spot on his desk. "Where?"

"We can go into the details later, Ed. Let someone take you home." She said.

"Why can't everyone just leave me the hell alone and treat me like a cop?" He growled, not moving from his position.

"Because...right now you're not." Eames said. "You need to take this time to let it sink in, and deal with your emotions." He flickered his eyes to her, then looked away. She stood from her seat and walked closer to him. "Look," she said in a quiet voice, as if it were a private conversation. "I know you don't know me, but trust me when I say...you need to feel this right now. You don't want to implode later. I can already tell you're one to hold things in but...you really should just let yourself mourn for your friend." She concluded.

"The woman that died today wasn't my friend. My friend has been gone for six years and...that wasn't her. I mourned for that friend a long time ago." He said, almost believing himself.

Van Buren stepped out of her office and everyone looked up at her. "Fontana just called. Looks like Misha did good. Johnson passed out in an alley and someone called an ambulance when they found him. He's in surgery right now. We're sending two uniforms out there and this time they'll do their job right. He'll be on lock-down as soon as he's done, then we should have a good idea how long until he can be brought in. I told Fontana to go home as soon as he finishes at the hospital. I want the rest of you to go home as well. We can meet here bright and early tomorrow." She looked at Ed. "You especially. Just go home. I've already told Joe to tell everyone that if they spot you in the hospital not to let you in and to make you go home."

"You want me to sit at the hospital?" Benson asked.

"No, no. Johnson's in good hands. I want all of you to sleep. You're no good if you're tired." Van Buren said. "So good night. I'm going home as well."

Everyone slowly filed out. Benson gently hit Ed with the back of her hand. "Come on." She said.

He looked up, then stood. "What time is it?" He asked.

"Almost 11."

"I can't go home." He and Benson arrived at the elevator where the other detectives were standing.

"How about a drink?" Goren asked, watching Ed.

Ed thought, then nodded. "Yea, sure." His cell went off. He picked it up. "Green."

"Hey, how you doing?" Asked Joe.

"Okay. We're going for drinks."

"Tell me where, I'll meet you."


	13. Dirty Little Secret

Dirty Little Secret

"_If I had the chance love  
I would not hesitate  
To tell you all the things I never said before  
Don't tell me it's too late."_

_Sarah McLachlan _

Everyone was sitting quietly around the corner booth they had acquired. They had been at the bar for nearly half an hour. Ed was on his second beer and staring at a blue bottle above the bar, without really seeing it. Fontana was to his left, then Stabler, then Goren. On Ed's right was Benson and Eames. Everyone was shifting their eyes around, or fiddling with their glasses or whatnot. Except Goren. He was watching Ed.

Ed finally came out of his fog and spoke. "Y'know...the truth is...I knew things were worse off then they seemed. I let myself pretend they weren't but...they were. She was really messed up...really sad...and she wasn't just using drugs to party...she was loosing herself in them. I made myself believe it was small...but it wasn't...we both shut that day away...pretended it didn't happen..."

_Ed was getting home after work one night, and had a bag of Misha's favorite taco's. He didn't eat them, but he stopped trying to convince her not to. Her parents were out of town, as always, and he figured she would need food. He walked up to her apartment door and raised a hand to knock, then he heard muffled voices and a crash. He leaned his ear to the door as the voices got louder. There was a man's voice, he was yelling. Then he heard Misha's voice, he couldn't make out words, but she was scared and upset. He tried the knob, but it was locked, so he kicked the door down. He dropped the bag of food and ran into the apartment and to the living room where the noise was coming from. An twenty-something man was in the room. His arms were covered in tattoo's, and he stood over Misha who was cowering on the floor. Her lip was bleeding and the front her shirt was torn open. _

_The guy looked at Ed. "Who the hell are you?"_

_"Get out." Ed said, stepping closer._

_"Not til I get the money she owes me." The guy turned back to Misha. "You owe me, bitch. I don't give my product away for free."_

_Ed gave the guy one hard punch, which sent him flying back. He jumped back up and went to hit Ed, but Ed ducked and shoved the guy. He was sprawled on the floor and Ed bent over and got in his face. "Listen to me, asshole. I want you gone. I want you never to bother her again, and if you do you are really going to regret it."_

_"And why should I listen to you?"_

_Ed pulled out his badge. "Cause I'm a cop." _

_The guy's eyes grew huge, and he wrangled away and jumped up and ran out the door. "We're even." He said to Misha on his way out. _

_Ed looked over at Misha who had pushed herself against the wall. He knelt in front of her, and tipped her chin up. "You okay?" He asked. She nodded. He tipped her head side to side checking out her bruises. Then he ran his hands down her arms, making sure they were okay. He tried to button her shirt back up, but a few buttons were missing. He sat down next to her, cradled her in his arms and held her tightly to his chest. She started sobbing. "You're okay." He whispered. He kissed the top of her head. "I've got you, baby, I've got you."_

_"He's gonna come back. He's not gonna give up that easy." _

_"No he won't."_

_"He will...I owe him a lot."_

_"Don't worry about him. If he messes with you, I'll arrest him for dealing...but I don't think he'll be back." He soothed into her hair. She gripped her fingers onto his shirt and buried her face against him. He rubbed her back. "Why do you do this, babe? You're better than it..."_

_"I'm not." She mumbled into him. _

_He sighed and pretended not to hear her. It wasn't worth arguing at that point. He kissed the top of her head again. "You're okay now." He whispered. _

"..and I knew she cared about me. I didn't want her to because I didn't want to deal with it...I didn't want to admit that I cared for her. But I did. I loved her. It wasn't the love she wanted...but...now...maybe it could have been something..." His eyes went back to the blue bottle over the bar. "Instead of spending my life wondering where she is...I get to spend my life wondering how things could have been..." He felt Olivia's hand cover his under the table. He glanced over at her.

"You can't do that to yourself." Goren said. "You have to learn how to just let it go."

Ed looked at Goren. "I can't. I can't let it go and I can't not blame myself." He said softly. "She needed me..."

"Ed-" Olivia started, but he slammed his fist down, cutting her off.

"We were at the apartment! We were there! I should have gone in!"

"Maybe so." Bobby nodded. "But if they weren't there yet, you would have left and it would have still happened...and if they were there, you could've gotten yourself killed."

No one spoke for awhile again. Then Stabler raised his glass. "To Misha." He said.

The others, minus Ed, raised theirs as well. "To Misha." They repeated. They all glanced at Ed. He looked at his glass then slowly reached for it and held it in the air.

"Misha." He said quietly.

Everyone sat around for another half hour, then they started to leave. Only Ed, Olivia and Goren remained. Goren stood.

"Come on, I'll put you up for the night." He said.

Ed looked up. "Thanks Bobby."

"Not a problem." The two men walked Olivia outside and hailed a cab.

She gave Ed a brief hug. "You've got a lot of friends here, Ed. Don't forget that."

"Thank you." He replied. He and Bobby waited until she got in the cab and it pulled away, then they left.

Ed lay awake on the couch in Goren's living room and watched the ceiling fan circle around and around. Somewhere, lost in his thoughts, he was at last able to fall asleep.


	14. Gamble Everything For Love

**Gamble Everything For Love**

"_Tell me are you gettin' hurt, is it worth it?  
Tell me are the people strange, do they change?  
Tell me are you letting go, do you know?  
I'll Tell you the truth, if you tell me the truth  
If you gamble everything for love."_

_Ben Lee_

The following afternoon he was sitting at his desk, watching everyone around him work. He'd been given strict orders to stay at his desk and not get in the way, or go home. He heard a slight commotion and looked up. Stabler and Benson had just walked in with Johnson. He'd had no idea that Johnson had been released from the hospital. The mere sight of the man sent Ed into a tailspin.

Before his mind could control his body, he was up out of his seat, and stepping across the room with his gun drawn. Even more commotion went on around him at that. Most people jumped aside. Fontana and Goren jumped up after him, Van Buren came running out of her office. Before Stabler could drag Johnson away, Ed was standing there with his gun inches from Johnson's face.

"Ed...what're you doing?" Olivia asked, trying to stay calm. She stood still where she was.

"Back away from him," Ed muttered. He was glaring and his hand was trembling. "Both of you!" He barked at Elliott and Olivia. "I don't want to hurt you, back off!" They glanced at Van Buren, who nodded, then they both held up their hands and slowly stepped backwards.

"Think this through, Ed." Joe said from behind him.

"Detective Green, put down your weapon." Van Buren said, keeping her distance.

"No." He said evenly.

"What's wrong Detective?" Johnson asked. "Your girlfriend not feeling well today?" He asked smugly.

Ed pushed the gun into Johnson's forehead. "Shut up."

Goren slowly moved around to Ed's side, not getting too close. "Don't do this, Green. Don't throw away your badge for this creep."

"Screw my badge. He's not getting away with it. Not this time."

"He won't." Elliott said, slowly walking towards Ed and Johnson again.

"He will!"

"You really want to spend your life in jail for him?" Joe asked from behind them.

All Ed could do was picture Misha laying dead in her own blood. Her face, the first time she smiled up at him, flashed before his eyes. "At least he'll be dead."

"You don't have it in you." Johnson taunted.

"Shut the hell up, Johnson." Stabler said. At that point everyone else was against the back wall of the squad room, except those that had been on the case. Van Buren was standing by her office door. Benson stood several feet behind Johnson's back, Stabler a few feet in front of her. Goren was to the left of Ed, several feet away, and Fontana was the same distance behind Ed. Eames was standing in the space between Goren and Benson. Stabler moved around to the right of Ed, so that there was a large circle of detectives around Ed and Johnson.

"Ed." Olivia said. "Ed look at me." He didn't at first, but then he glanced over Johnson's shoulder and looked at her. She locked eyes with him. "We've got this. Just put the gun down. Misha wouldn't want this."

"Don't talk about Misha." His voice wavered. He returned his glare to Johnson, who had a smile on his face. "No. Everyone should just leave...leave us alone."

"We're staying right here," Eames said.

"Do it." Johnson hissed.

"Keep your mouth shut!" Goren yelled at Johnson.

"Shoot me." Johnson grinned up at Ed.

"Think about Misha watching you right now, Ed. You want her to see you like this?" Stabler asked. Ed started sweating harder and shaking more.

"Stop talking about her!" Ed shouted.

"Ooh the things I could tell you about her." Johnson sneered. Ed raised his finger over the trigger. Stabler and Goren glanced at each other and held a gaze. Within seconds, they both leaped into action. Stabler jumped on Johnson and brought him tumbling to the floor and Goren pushed Ed into the wall, pinning his wrists up. An accidental shot went into the ceiling. Fontana stepped up and took the gun from Ed's hand. Stabler stood up and dragged Johnson off the floor.

"No!" Ed screamed. "No! Let go of me!" He struggled against Goren, who had pushed all his weight against Ed, pinning him completely to the wall.

"Calm down, just calm down." Goren said.

"Get off me!"

"Nice try Detective." Johnson said.

Stabler popped him in the back of the head. "Keep your mouth shut or we'll let him loose." Then he dragged Johnson and shut him away in an interrogation room.

Van Buren walked up to Ed. "That wasn't smart." She said.

Ed was still struggling. "Let me go." He whined.

Van Buren took the badge off Ed's hip. "Put him in a room." She said to Goren and Fontana. They nodded.

"You gonna be cool?" Goren asked Ed. Ed finally let his body relax, and nodded. He let Bobby and Joe lead him into another interrogation room. He sat down at the table, they sat with him. Eames and Benson walked in.

"What were you thinking?" Joe asked. Ed didn't reply. He just dropped his head on the table and shut his eyes.


	15. Losing My Religion

**Losing My Religion**

"_That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no I've said too much  
I haven't said enough  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try." _

Van Buren stood out in the squad room with all the detectives, except Ed. "I appreciate how you handled that." She said to everyone. "It never should have happened though. I should never have let him stay here. But it did happen and now we have to deal. Fontana, Goren and Eames I want you in there talking to Johnson. I want a confession. If you need to talk things over before starting in on him, go ahead. Benson and Stabler, hang around. Novak is on her way over. She's still charging him on the rape, and Borgia will be down soon about the murders. She still wants to get him on Tate and Foster, and whatever old cases you can get." She said to Goren and Eames. "And of course, for Misha's murder." She glanced around at the detectives. "We'll get him. This is it." She glanced over at her office. Both Deakins and Cragen had just shown up for a meeting with her.

"I'll be in my office for a bit, let me know when you're ready to talk to Johnson." She said.

"Lieu? What about Ed?" Fontana asked.

She turned back around. "For now, just leave him. I'm going to try and get Skoda down here again...I think the best place for him to be right now is locked up in that room, unfortunately."

Ed didn't know how long he'd been in the room, but he didn't quite care. He was still sitting with his head down on the table when he heard a voice.

"That was a ridiculous stunt you pulled, Eddie." He looked up. Misha was sitting in the chair across from him. The older Misha. All of her bruises and cuts were gone and she looked well and healthy. The signs of drugs and homelessness were gone. He blinked several times. "Hey don't ask me, it's your mind." She said, throwing her hands up.

"I'm not crazy."

"You sure looked it out there. What was that?"

"He killed you...he deserves to die."

"What have I always told you about that temper of yours?"

"I know." He said. He held out his hand to her, and like she always used to, she slapped it lightly. "Why'd you leave? I was gonna fix it. I was gonna help you. Why'd you go to that apartment? Why'd you put yourself in his way?"

Skoda looked in on Ed talking out loud to the empty room. Van Buren stood beside him.

"What do you suggest?" She asked. "I'm worried about sending him home, but he can't stay here...I don't trust him."

"I'll let him be alone for a bit longer, then I'll try talking to him." Skoda said.

"Alright. I have to go check on the others...shout if you need me."

"You can't fix this one. You just gotta let it go."

"I can't." Ed said. "You dropped back into my life after all this time, made me remember all these bad things I've tried to forget, then you left again. I can't let it go. You drive me crazy, you've always driven me crazy. Between trying to figure you out and trying to sort you out...and spending years wondering where you were and-"

"Then stop remembering the bad stuff. Remember all the good times we had."

"I can't. The good times...they just make me feel worse because they should have always been good."

"You should watch words like 'crazy' around me." Skoda said, walking in the door. Ed looked at the door, then back at the chair across from him. It was empty. Skoda sat down in the chair. "Talking to anyone important?"

"Obviously you were watching."

"There's nothing wrong with talking things out. As long as you know that Misha wasn't really here."

"Of course I know that, you think I'm a complete idiot?"

"No. But I think you've found a lot of pain and you don't know how to deal with it. I think you did what you do best when you can't handle your emotions, and you lashed out."

"I lashed out at the man who killed my friend, yes."

"Do you wish your friends hadn't intervened? Do you wish you had killed him?"

"My friends?" Ed asked.

"Yes. Your friends. Everyone out there is worried about you."

"I don't see why...and yea...I do wish I'd killed him. If I had it my way I'd take him into an empty room and give him as much pain as he put Misha through."

"That's a normal feeling." Skoda nodded. "I think we should meet up for the next few weeks and talk some more. I think you'll see that a lot of what you're feeling is all normal for people who have lost a loved one."

"And what about today? What do I do today?"

"You let your friends and family take care of you, and you start to pick up the pieces. As far as the case goes, you need to put trust in the city you have worked for all these years. Trust that they will do their job and put Paul Johnson behind bars for the rest of his life."

Fontana, Goren, and Eames filed into the room where Johnson and his lawyer were sitting.

"Hello Paul, I hope you don't mind that I brought some friends along." Joe said with a smile.

"It's like a party. My day has just been full of excitement. Did you lock up your bull yet?"

"I think you have a bit more to worry about at the moment than Detective Green." Eames said, sitting beside Johnson. She opened the file in front of him. "Aside from Misha's statement about you raping her, we also have your blood on a knife in the apartment where she was killed. We have a handful of people who will tell the jury how you framed them for the many crimes they are locked up for."

"My client will admit he was in the apartment Detective. However, he left when she stabbed him. Speaking of which, your detective could have broken my clients stitches by throwing him on the floor. And I'm not even getting into Detective Green's antics. But regardless, Ms. Sullivan was still alive when he left." Said Johnson's lawyer, Mr. Ross. "And as far as the woman's claim that Mr. Johnson raped her...well...unfortunately for all of us, she isn't around to lie about it on the stand. You have no proof, other than the word of a young woman known for her drug use. My client is an established wealthy business man."

Goren slapped his hand down on the table and everyone jumped. "Your client should think about the fact that not everyone will keep believing he's an angel. All of his lies are going to catch up to him."

"What lies?" Johnson asked. "I was unfortunate to get a bad crowd at my club and many of the things they did got wrapped into my life."

"Is that why you're selling your club?" Fontana asked.

Johnson looked at Joe. "It is actually."

"So it's nothing to do with the fact that you owed a lot of money to a lot of people? Nothing to do with all the people out to get you?" Joe asked.

"No, sir. No one's out to get me."

"Except me." Joe replied.

"Are you sure you don't want to clarify some things for us before we bring in our ADA's?" Eames asked. "We have at least two ready to go at you."

"I have nothing more to say."

"We don't really need you to say anything, Paul. We've got you." Goren said, excusing himself from the room.

"My client said he was done talking, it's time for you to leave." Mr. Ross said. Eames and Fontana looked at each other, and walked from the room. Borgia and Novak were standing outside the room, watching.

"So?" Fontana asked.

"Process him." Borgia said. "We'll take another stab at him tomorrow. Maybe he'll sing another tune when he hears that Faulk's secretary is ready to tell the jury that he was out of there by 11 that morning."

"And I am going after him for the rape as well as murder. Killing the victim doesn't let him get away with it. I'd love him to confess to this Brandon guy's girlfriend's rape and murder as well." Novak said.

"Okay so let him sleep it off in a cell tonight and we'll talk to him in the morning." Fontana said. Goren and Eames nodded in agreement.

Skoda stepped back into the room, where he had left Ed. "Johnson has left. He's being processed."

"Did he confess?"

"Not yet. How do you feel about coming out into the squad room now?" Skoda asked.

"Did you ask Lieu for permission?"

"She says she's fine with it if you're okay...are you okay?"

"For now...I guess. I'd like to go to the M.E.'s office though. Not as a cop just...just to see." Ed said.

"I think we can work something out. Come on." He led Ed out of the room. Everyone looked up to stare.

Van Buren walked across the room. "Back to work." She said to everyone. They obliged. She stopped in front of Ed. "You good?"

"I'm good."

"You've got a month's leave. Can you deal with that?" She asked.

"I can." He said quietly.

"Good. The others are at your desk waiting to talk to you." She nodded to his desk. "Go on, let me talk to Skoda." Ed nodded and walked over to his desk. Joe was sitting at his own desk, and Eames was leaning against it. Goren was sitting at Ed's desk, while Benson and Stabler were standing nearby with their arms crossed.

"Hey." He said to them.

"Hi." They all replied.

"Thank you for..." he trailed off. They nodded.

"We've got your back," Goren said.

"I appreciate it."

"Gave us a real scare there," Olivia said. She gave Ed a small nudge.

He gave her a faint smile. "I'm sorry. I couldn't really control myself once I saw him."

"Hey we've all wanted to do it." Stabler said.

Van Buren stepped up. "Boys and girls, let's call it a day early, shall we?" She looked at Ed. "Warner's expecting you, take one of these guys along, okay?" Ed nodded. "As for tomorrow, I spoke with Deakins and Cragen earlier. You've all got other cases to work on now that this is wrapping up. Stabler and Benson, I'm sure Novak will be in touch with you. Goren and Eames, we will probably have you meet Fontana at some point tomorrow for another talk with Johnson. Other than that, our job in this is about done. I expect everyone to help the DA's office in anyway that they are asked, and again I thank you all sincerely for all of your help. But, I'm not gonna toot our horn yet. Dismissed." She turned on her heel and walked into her office.

"So you going to Warner's office?" Olivia asked Ed.

"Yea."

"I'll come along." She said.

"Thanks."

"I will too." Joe said.

Less then an hour later, Ed walked into Warner's office with five other detectives trailing behind him.

"What did I do to earn this parade?" Melinda Warner asked, amused.

"We're here to see Misha Sullivan." Stabler said.

Warner nodded. "Oh, right. Come on." She led them into a near empty room, where Misha's body was on a table. "I was waiting on word from the family."

"I haven't told them, yet." Ed said. He stepped over to the table. A blanket was covering the body up to the neck.

"Okay." Warner said with a nod. "I'll be out front if you need me." She left the room.

"You want us to leave you alone for a bit?" Goren asked.

"No...no it's okay." Ed said. He looked down at Misha's face and just studied her. He stood there silently for a long time, then he nodded. "That's enough." He said above a whisper, and then he turned and walked out of the room. The other's followed him and they all stood outside on the street. "Thanks." He said again, feeling repetitive. "I know that wasn't necessarily exciting for all of you."

"Don't be a stranger over the next month, okay?" Joe asked him.

"Yea, okay."

"Let us know about the funeral arrangements," Eames said.

"I will."

"If you need anything, just call." Olivia said.

"Absolutely."

"Keep it cool, man." Stabler said. Ed nodded.

"Need somewhere to stay again?" Goren asked.

"Actually, yea. That'd be great. But I've got something I have to do, I'll meet up with you later?" Ed asked.

Goren nodded. "Sure thing."

Ed stood outside the door, waiting for the courage to knock on it. Things like this had always been the hardest part of the job, but this one...this one was going to be the worst.


	16. Falling Again

**Falling Again**

"_And now the beat inside of me  
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've   
never any feeling inside  
ruining me...  
bring my body  
carry it into another world  
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling down."_

_Lacuna Coil_

The door swung open, and a petite dark haired woman stood before him. She forced a smile. "Hello." She said.

"Hi Mrs. Sullivan, how are you?" He asked. He saw the table set past her shoulder, and Mr. Sullivan stood from it and walked over.

"Just fine Ed, and you?"

"I'm sorry to disturb your dinner. May I speak with you inside?"

She studied him with those eyes. The eyes that were constantly staring into him, that always made him wonder what she was thinking. Also, the same golden eyes that she had passed to her daughter. "You found her?"

"May I come in?" He asked again.

"No. Just tell me." She said. Mr. Sullivan placed a hand on his wife's shoulder.

Ed sighed and looked down at his feet, then back at her. "I'm sorry Mrs. Sullivan. Misha was killed last night." The woman nodded, her eyes watering slightly. "The truth is, while working on a murder case a few days back I found her and..." He felt his own eyes start to water. "Misha was raped...I'm sorry to tell you. And...we believe it was the same man that committed the-uh-the murders. She didn't want me to alert you, yet. I couldn't. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner...I didn't know how." He felt a few stray tears spill onto his cheek. He wiped them away quickly.

Misha's parents stood quietly. Then her father spoke. "Where had she been?"

"Here. In the city."

"And...she was living on the streets?" Mr. Sullivan asked.

"From what I could tell, yes. On and off."

"Was she...still involved with drugs?"

"Yes, sir."

After a long moment of silence, Mr. Sullivan stuck out his hand. "Thank you, Ed."

Ed shook the man's hand. "She...her body should be ready to be claimed tomorrow, if you like I can-"

"What happens when the body isn't claimed?" Mrs. Sullivan asked.

Ed looked back and forth at them. "What...what do you mean? Why..."

"Ed we lost our daughter a long time ago. We've never moved because we knew one day we would get this visit." Her mother said, softly. "We mourned for Misha already. We're not going to remember our daughter how she is today. I refuse to bury a stranger. We would appreciate you leaving us alone now." And then she shut the door in his face. Ed stood there, his mouth literally dropped open.

" I guess it's too much for you two to finally be parents to her, huh?" He said through the door. "You weren't there for her then and you're not now! I hope you realize that you did this to her! You made her who she was and you won't even bury her!" He tried to catch his breath, as his blood boiled. "Well you can live in peace now! She's dead!" He turned and stormed out of the building. He power walked for several blocks, until his legs finally stopped. He sat down on the first bench he saw and cradled his head in his hands. His heart was pounding, and his eyes were welling up again. He couldn't catch his breath. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number. It rang once before being picked up.

"Benson."

"Liv." He said softly.

"Ed? You okay?"

He bit his lip, trying to find the words. He felt a sob rising in his throat. He'd been able to hold back so far, but he wasn't sure he could anymore. It was so much easier to let his anger show than his sadness. In fact, he'd done all he could to make every emotion turn to anger, to keep from showing anything else.

"Ed?" She asked again.

"I feel like I'm gonna break apart." He finally said, his voice wavering. "I can't...I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go..."

"It's okay. Tell me what happened."

"I'm sorry...I didn't know who to call." He wiped a tear away, harshly, and ducked his head so no one would see. "This is the kinda thing I'd only take to Misha back in the day...and now...I don't have anyone to..."

"Sssh, it's alright." She soothed. "Let me give you my address, you can drop by."

"N-no...no, I'll just-"

"No. Come over." She said.

By the time he was walking up to her apartment building, he'd calmed slightly. Aside from the escaped tears, he hadn't broken yet. He was proud of himself. He felt weird going to visit Benson at her home. They'd never really been friends before the case. Just work acquaintances. But since their cases had crossed, she'd really been there for him. Everyone had, of course, but he just felt comfortable around her for some reason.

He knocked on her apartment door. The door opened and she stood there in her sweats. He smiled slightly. "Nice outfit."

"Thanks. Come on in." She said. She led him over to a couch and they sat. "What happened?"

"I guess it caught up with me." He said. "Going to see her parents." He told her about the encounter and having the door shut in his face.

She shook her head. "Unbelievable."

"No...it is believable. I just hoped that they weren't as crappy as they always seemed. I thought maybe with Misha gone all these years they might have grown hearts." He said. "I thought they'd care."

"They do, or they wouldn't have stayed all these years. They just can't handle it. Maybe they'll come around."

"Misha's body can't just hang around the morgue til her parents are ready to be parents to her." He said bitterly.

Olivia watched him carefully. She took his hand. "Ed. I've been watching you hold yourself in the past few days...just let yourself cry already." She said softly. He shook his head. "Why not?"

"I can't be that way in front of people," he looked down at her hand over his. "It's not me."

"What if I promise not to tell?" She asked. "No one will even know that Mr. Big-Strong-Detective-Man went soft." He let out a small laugh, which quickly turned into tears. He covered his face with his hand as his body gave into shaking sobs. Olivia tried to take him in her arms, but he yanked away and turned his back to her. He hunched over and she set a hand on his back and rubbed it soothingly. She stood and went to the other side of him, sat down and wrapped her arms around him. This time he let her and she pulled his head onto her shoulder. He stopped caring about appearances, and just let himself cry. For the first time since she ran away, he truly cried for her. He mourned her broken heart, he mourned her state of life, he mourned her abuse, and he mourned her death.

When he had finally tired himself out he pulled away from her, feeling self-conscious all of the sudden. He hid his head in his arms and sat for a moment, trying to regain himself. She gave him his space and watched him closely. He sat back on the couch, and dried his face off. "Sorry." He whispered.

"It's okay." She replied. She crossed her arms over her chest. "How you feeling?"

"Better actually...thanks...I guess I needed that."

"I guess so."

He thought for awhile. "What really bothers me about seeing her parents is that they said practically the same thing I said. I told Alex that the Misha I've seen the past few days wasn't my friend. That she wasn't the same Misha. They said it, too. But...she _was_ the same Misha. Until they said it, I didn't realize how wrong what I said was."

"The difference is that you didn't give up on her. Present Misha or past, you still tried to be there for her. Don't continue finding ways to beat yourself up."

"You're right...I know...I just wish I hadn't said it."

"Well you did. But I'm sure she'll forgive you."

"Yea." He rubbed his face.

"What can I do for you, Ed?"

"Erase the past few days...let me do it over again."

"I would if I could." She brought her legs up and wrapped her arms around them.

He turned his eyes to the window and stared out it for awhile. "Then tell me she's better off." He said after a bit. "Tell me she's finally happy."

"I like to believe she is...I like to believe we all find peace once we die. It's the only way I can do this job day in and day out."

"Why'd she have to die to find peace?" His voice was getting heavy and shaking again.

"I don't know, Ed."

Not wanting to break down again, he stood up. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Go ahead." She said, pointing to it.

He went into the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked pretty bad. He sighed and hit the water on. He leaned down and splashed water onto his face several times, then he patted his face dry and walked back to the living room. Instead of sitting down on the couch again he stood several feet away. "Thanks. And thanks for...everything"

"Do you want something to eat? Or you could just hang around if you need to." She suggested.

"I appreciate it but...I need to clear my mind some. I'm just...gonna walk for awhile. Bobby's gonna let me crash on his couch again so..." he shrugged.

"Call if you need to." She said. He nodded. She walked him to the door. "If you need to break down again, you're welcome to come by." She smiled.

He smiled back. "I'll keep that in mind. I don't mean to sound like a broken record...but thank you. Really."

She wrapped her hand around his arm. "Let's make a deal...you stop thanking me or else I'll tell all your friends you cried on my shoulder." She gave his arm a small squeeze.

He laughed and patted her hand on his arm. "Deal. Night Olivia."

"Good night Ed." She replied. He was about to let go of her hand, but then, without even thinking, he leaned down brushed his lips across hers. He hovered a moment with his eyes closed. When he realized what he'd done, he pulled back and dropped her hand. "Uhm...I-I didn't...sorry, I'll go." He turned and fled the building before he could do any more damage.


	17. Dust In The Wind

**Dust In The Wind**

"_Now, don't hang on  
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky  
It slips away  
And all your money won't another minute buy  
Dust in the wind  
All we are is dust in the wind  
All we are is dust in the wind."_

_Kansas _

Ed awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee and the sound of clattering in the kitchen. He had probably only been asleep for a couple hours. He picked up his cell phone to look at the time. Yep. He'd had two and a quarter hours sleep. He had also missed a call. He leaned back on the couch and dialed up his voicemail.

"Hey Ed, it's Olivia...I have to go in early today...could you drop by at some point?"

He replayed the short message and had to think for a moment before he remembered the night before. He groaned loudly. Bobby popped out of the kitchen. "Good morning."

"Morning, Bobby."

"Sorry I woke you."

"It's cool." He yawned as Bobby walked into the living room and handed him a cup of coffee. "Mmm, thank you."

"How are you?"

Ed shrugged. "Not sure, yet."

"Go back to sleep if you want. I have to get going in a minute."

"No, I've got things to do." He stood up slowly and grabbed his button up shirt from the chair he'd left it on the night before.

"I guess you'll want to go home and change." Bobby pointed to Ed's wrinkled black paints and shirt that he'd worn the day before.

"No...no I can't go home yet."

"Want to borrow something?"

Ed glanced down at his clothes then at Bobby and raised his eyebrows. "Not sure that'll work, Iron Giant."

"Iron who?"

"Iron Giant."

"Gee thanks."

"I mean that in a nice way. B, man, I just don't think I'll fit in your clothes."

"Well...E man, ever heard of a belt?" And he went to his room mumbling about iron, to grab something for Ed to wear.

Ed stood in the elevator in baggy jeans and a baggy red t-shirt. He knew though that he'd have to go to his apartment eventually. He just didn't want to. Aside from all the memories it brought on, he wasn't sure he could handle seeing Misha's parents. It was time to move, anyway. He'd been wanting to move for some time, but he stayed. He had stayed in case Misha ever came back, so she'd find him. He had tried to make other excuses, but as he lay on Bobby's couch the night before, lost in thought, he knew it was truth. The elevator doors opened and Ed walked through the SVU squad room. He glanced around and saw Elliott and Olivia sitting at their desks, talking.

"2-7 in the house." A voice called. Ed looked over to the voice and saw Detective Fin Tutuola looking up at him. Tutuola's partner, John Munch, was sitting nearby and looked up as well.

"Good morning." Ed greeted them all.

Elliott walked over to him. "Detective Green...missing us already?" He asked with a smile.

"What can I say, it's hard to go a day without looking at your beautiful face." Ed replied. They shook hands and laughed.

"How you doing?" Elliott asked him more seriously.

"I'm doing." Ed nodded. He glanced over at Olivia who waved at him.

"Hey Ed." She said.

He gave her a nod. "Morning Olivia." He walked past Fin and shook his hand, and also shook hands with Munch. "I wouldn't mind some coffee." He directed that comment at Olivia.

"Come on, I'll get you some." She said. They walked over to the coffee pot and turned their backs to the squad room, standing side by side.

"Got your message." He said.

"I figured. I was worried about you last night after...after you took off."

"Yea...I'm sorry about that." He said under his breath.

"I'm the one that convinced you to break down."

"No. I mean I'm sorry about...before I left."

"Now, now what was our deal?" She whispered with a smile. She took the coffee pot and poured two cups of coffee.

"The deal was I couldn't thank you anymore. We said nothing about apologies." He whispered back. He took a sip of his coffee.

"Well now we're issuing the same deal on apologies. Don't worry about it, Ed. You've been in a weird place these past couple of days."

"So we can say nothing happened? We're good?"

She smiled. "Nothing happened. We're good." She replied. They turned back and walked back to Olivia's desk.

"What brings you out here?" Elliott asked.

"Been running all over the place this morning. I'm planning Misha's funeral. If her parents won't do it, I will. I'm not leaving her for some city funded hole in the ground." Ed said. "I need some help though...I want to bury her in something nice, but I have no clue how to begin shopping for her. Warner told me the dress size to go after and I tried but...I don't know. Like I said, I want it to be something nice. I thought you'd be able to help."

"Glad you thought of me." Elliott said jokingly.

"Yea I'll help," Olivia said, rolling her eyes at her partner.

"Just...a nice dress." He said handing her some cash.

"I'll run out during lunch, if I can. I'll call." She told him.

"Thank y-" he started, but stopped. They smiled at each other. "I've got a lot of things to take care of, so I'll be in touch."

Ed ran around for a couple hours getting things done. After lunch he finally convinced himself to go by his apartment. He was walking up the sidewalk in front of his building when he noticed a moving truck parked outside. When he got closer he saw Misha's parents carrying boxes into the truck. They saw him, then avoided looking at him. He shook his head.

"Nice." He muttered. He walked past it all and went up to his apartment. He quickly threw together a suitcase to get him through until he decided if he would move or not. He walked out the door and outside the building. A Salvation Army truck had arrived and they were loading several things into their truck. Misha's parents weren't around so he walked up to one of the men loading the truck. "I see the Sullivan's are moving." He said casually. The man nodded. "They giving all their stuff away?"

"A bunch of the furniture. And the whole back bedroom." The guy said.

"Everything in that bedroom?"

"I think they are keeping a few things, I dunno, man. I was just told to clear it out." Ed nodded and looked at the boxes that were being loaded. Something flashed in his mind. He ran inside and went to the Sullivan's apartment and walked right past Misha's parents.

"You don't mind if I take her books, do you?" He asked, not really caring for an answer. He looked at them. No one answered. "Good then." He went to her room and looked at her bookshelf. She had two shelves lined with poetry books. The only books he cared about. He grabbed a spare box and put them in it, and walked out to the front door. "If you change your mind about your daughter's funeral, you can call me." He said. He dropped his card, with his work and cell numbers on it, onto the floor and left.

McCoy, Fontana, Eames, and Goren sat across the table from Johnson and Mr. Ross in a room at Rikers.

"Sleep well last night?" Fontana asked.

"Eh, I've slept better." Johnson said with a shrug.

"Got anything to say today?" Eames asked.

"Nope."

"How about you remind us about your alibi for Tuesday morning?" Fontana asked.

"I was in a meeting with my realtor."

"You see, that's funny because we spoke with his secretary and she said you left there around 11." Eames said. Goren sat back, observing.

Johnson didn't blink. "Her word against mine and Faulk's."

"You think he'll really follow you all the way to the end?" Fontana asked. "When he realizes we've found a hole, he's gonna cave. Whatever you might be paying him, won't be enough."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was with him. I am not paying him to be my alibi."

"Do you have anything else for us, or are you just wasting our time?" Mr. Ross asked.

"Your client is about to be tried on three murders." McCoy spoke up. "Soon there will be investigations on every other murder that has any relation to his club and the people in it. Including those that have already been solved."

"Your point?" Mr. Ross asked.

"Things might work out a lot better for your client if he just comes clean," Goren said. "If we have to go through all of these cases one by one...well Mr. McCoy here may not be in a friendly mood."

"Don't try to talk to me about deals. I didn't do anything." Johnson said.

Fontana threw a hand full of photo's across the table. "Recognize that? That's the crime scene, where you left Misha Sullivan dead. The crime scene where she stabbed you, and you left your blood behind. You really want us to believe you had nothing to do with her death!" Fontana shouted.

"As we told you yesterday, Mr. Johnson has admitted to going to that apartment. He left when she stabbed him. He had nothing to do with her death." Mr. Ross said. "Now if you have nothing else, then we'll just be saying goodbye." A CO came in and collected Johnson, and Mr. Ross followed them out. The three detectives and McCoy sat for a moment.

"He's not going to confess." Fontana said dejectedly. "I thought you two were supposed to be great at getting them to confess."

"We do our best." Eames replied. "We haven't found the right angle for him. Some thing's just have to be left up to a jury."

"And I'm just getting started with him." McCoy said.

Ed sat in the park with the box on the bench beside him. He was paging slowly through the books. He couldn't find one in particular. Misha's favorite book, the one of women's poetry. It occurred to him that it was probably the only one she took with her when she ran away. As he picked up another book, his cell rang.

"Green."

"Hey it's Olivia. I've got a dress for you."

"Oh! Great. I'll drop by in a bit."

"I'll see you then."

"Oh, wait. Did we ever find a backpack of Misha's possessions?"

"Not that I know of."

"Damn. Okay." He hung up his phone and put the books back in the box. He grabbed his suitcase and the box, feeling like a real fool. He hailed a cab and rode out to SVU. He got a lot of funny looks when he walked in carrying his things.

"Going somewhere?" Elliott asked.

"Yea, getting out of my apartment for a few days. It just didn't occur to me til I packed up that I have nowhere to put all this for now. Bobby's letting me stay on his couch but...I have no way to drop it off there."

"You can leave it here if you want." Fin said. "Shove it in a spare locker."

"Sure. Just...the books are real important." He said, watching as Munch pawed through them. Munch looked up at him.

"Sorry. There's some good stuff in here. I never took you for a poetry man."

"I'm not really." Ed said. He took his things and Fin helped him put it all in a locker. Then he came back out.

Olivia handed him a bag. "I hope it works." She said.

He opened the bag and pulled out a soft, long pale yellow dress. "It's beautiful. Good work. I should go, I've got calls to make. Funeral plans." Ed said.

"You can use my desk." Olivia offered. She cleared her things to the side to make room for him. "Those Misha's poetry books?"

He nodded. "It's all I've got of her now." He was going to leave it at that, but then he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. He dug into a hidden pocket for something he rarely let himself look at. He pulled out a half of a photo booth picture strip. He had wrapped the old napkin poem around it. He handed Olivia the picture. "Except for that. She hated having her picture taken...but one day we were out and she saw the booth and insisted...she had the other half...guess I won't ever know what became of it."


	18. Concrete Angel

**AN: So I realize I just sorta threw McCoy in the last  
chapter without much intro or anything. If I may explain myself, cuz  
I really short changed him in this story- when I edited the chapter Jack wasn't  
in the room at Rikers and I felt he needed to be, so I threw him in.  
So be the story of here-then-not Jack McCoy...  
also, I apoligize for the slow updating...  
I'm finding myself saddened and not wanting to  
be at the end of the story...oh well.****  
**

**Concrete Angel**

"_A statue stands in a shaded place,  
An angel girl with an upturned face;  
Her name is written on a polished rock,  
A broken heart that the world forgot.  
Through the wind and the rain,  
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above;  
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved."_

_Martina McBride _  


That evening Ed stood by the gate of the cemetery, nervously bouncing from foot to foot. It was still a little light out, but the sun going down cast a strange light on the strange moment. He was only able to calm when he saw his partner and Lieutenant walking towards him.

"Hey." He said to them.

Joe put a hand on Ed's back. "Sharp suit." Joe said.

"Thanks. And thank you both for coming." He looked behind them to see Elliott, Olivia, Goren, and Eames walking up. He shook everyone's hand. "I'm glad you guys are here. Especially as this is kinda last minute. I know you didn't know her but...I didn't want the funeral to be empty. We could head over now...get things underway."

"Not quite." Van Buren said. She pointed behind Ed. He turned around and staggered back a step at what he saw. Walking up the grass to them was a large group of people. Among the faces he saw the majority of the 2-7, Munch and Tutuola and a few others from SVU, Deakins and Cragen, Borgia, Novak, and McCoy. He even recognized Mike Logan and a woman who he could only assume to be Carolyn Barek, Logan's partner. There were several uniforms, and couple guys from CSU, that he knew real well.

"Wow," he said as everyone came to a stop in front of him. "Wow...this is incredible."

"Ready?" Olivia asked him. He nodded.

He led everyone to the spot where Misha was to be buried. The Minister was already there. Everyone grouped together. Ed stood in the front between Olivia and Joe. As the Minister started the ceremony, Ed looked around for Misha's parents. They were nowhere to be seen. But they hadn't called for the details, so he wasn't expecting them. His eyes fell to the ground, as he started thinking about the first day of summer again. And he thought about the night they met. He had been remembering so many of the bad times, that the good times he remembered had faded away. But they were good. They were great. As his mind wandered, he felt a poke in his side. It was coming from Joe's elbow. As Ed came back to reality he realized everyone was looking at him. He'd missed everything, and it was his turn to speak. He cleared his throat and stepped forward.

"None of you really knew Misha." He said. "No one really knew her. Whoever didn't, really is at a loss. I know that's cliché. Misha was the kind of friend that I will never find again, and I will miss her forever. We used to talk about a lot of things...one of which was poetry. Misha loved poetry and always tried to educate me on it. There was one she read me once that really stuck with me. So much that I got a copy of it and eventually memorized it. I'd like to share that poem with you, the words of which will be on her stone...Misha rarely saw the good things in herself...but there were so many. She used to say that she wished someone would see it...but I did. I saw her." He took a breath, then recited the poem she'd said to him so long ago.

_She is not fair to outward view  
as many maidens be;  
Her loveliness I never knew  
until she smiled on me.__  
Oh, then I saw her eye was bright,  
a well of love, a spring of light.__  
_

_But now her looks are coy and cold,  
to mine they ne'er reply__  
And, yet, I cease not to behold__  
the love-light in her eye.__  
Her very frowns are fairer far  
than smiles of other maidens are. _

"Misha shouldn't be dead." His voice shook. "She should have lived for a long time, and seen everything in the world that she wanted to see. She should have found love, and it should have found her. She should have gotten a better deal in life. More people should have seen...the person I knew. But things didn't work out that way...I just hope she has found peace at last. I hope she is happy. But most of all, I hope she knows..." He paused to keep in his composure. "I hope she knows that I loved her, and that I am forever thankful for having her in my life. All she ever wanted was to be seen...but the truth is...she saw me. I've missed you Mish...and I always will. Thank you for seeing me." He closed his eyes and bowed briefly to the ground, then stepped back into place. Everyone stood silently as the Minister said his final words and the coffin was lowered into the ground. Ed let those tears that wanted to, to fall down his cheeks. Not for the first time that week, he felt Olivia take his hand. Her fingers wove through his and he held onto her tightly. Time stood still for him. It was a moment that he wanted over with, but it seemed to last forever. He stood there long after the Minister stopped talking. He stood after the dirt was thrown over the casket. He stood after the Minister shook his hand and walked aside. It seemed like everyone was taking their cue from Ed. They all waited silently. He brushed his free hand over his face and sighed. He let go of Olivia's hand and stepped forward and bent down. He kissed his fingers and set them onto the ground. Then he stood up and looked around at everyone that had come to the funeral. People he had worked with for all these years. Mostly people he thought were just co-workers. Things had changed. Seeing all those faces there that night...it felt changed.

Slowly, they all cycled through, shaking his hand and giving their condolences. He thanked each and every one of them for showing up. Once everyone had headed back to the parking lot, Ed stood alone. The sun had sunken more, and it was nearly dark. The air was calm. Everyone was meeting at a nearby restaurant for a quiet drink, and he was willing his feet to move, but they wouldn't. The next thing he noticed, the sun was gone and the lamps in the cemetery had come on. He sighed and turned and walked across the grass. Fontana was standing in the parking lot by his car. Everyone else had left.

"Need a ride?" Joe asked. Ed nodded. "Come on." Joe drove them down the road where everyone was meeting. They walked in and pushed their way to a back room that had been reserved for them. It was a quiet area, thankfully. Everyone was milling around with drinks in their hands. They all stopped and stared when Ed walked in. He gave them all a nod.

Jack McCoy stepped up to him and shook his hand again. "Don't worry about a thing." He said.

"You think you have a good shot?" Ed asked.

"I take it you haven't spoken with Goren and Eames?" McCoy smiled.

Ed looked around and spotted Alex a few inches away talking to Logan. "Alex, what's Jack smiling about?" Ed asked her.

She smiled as well and walked over. "Everyone thought it would be best to wait til now to tell you." She said. Bobby, noticing that they were speaking, stepped over. "Bobby and I found the place where Johnson passed out. A few feet away from it we found-"

"The gun!" Bobby interrupted with a smile.

"Hey! I was telling him!" Eames rolled her eyes.

Ed couldn't help but smile. "And?"

"The testing was finished right before the funeral...it matches both crime scenes." Jack said.

"Why did it take so long to find it? Wasn't the area canvased?"

"Yes but the uniforms that were there before us missed it." Bobby said.

"Did the gun have his prints?" Ed asked. His eyes were darting back and forth between Bobby, Alex, and Jack. They all nodded. Ed's smile turned to a grin. He couldn't help but throw his arms around the good news bringers all at once.

"Ouch." Alex said, smushed in the middle.

"Group hugs? What did I miss?" Elliott asked walking over. "Oh, wait. You told him about the gun?"

After the joy of the news drifted away, Ed found himself sitting alone in a booth. He vaguely watched everyone milling around. He'd been there just over an hour, and while he appreciated what everyone was doing for him, he really needed to get out on his own for awhile. He stood up at his booth and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, everyone." He said. Slowly everyone quieted down and looked up at him. "I'm sorry to do this, but I'm gonna head out. Thank you, once again, for being here. None of you had to be. The fact that you are, really speaks a lot to me. I pretty much said what I wanted for my friend earlier...all that's left to say is this...someone told me yesterday that I should put my faith in this city...in all of you...to bring Misha justice. And I have. Each one of you has my complete trust and I don't doubt any of you for a second. Jack?"

Jack raised his eyebrows from the back of the room. "Yes?" He called back.

Ed raised his glass in the air. "Bring that son-of-a-bitch down." He said. The room erupted in cheers and everyone held up their glasses as well. He drank the rest of his beer and set the glass down and started to the door. It took him awhile to get out because everyone was stopping him to say goodnight. On his way out the door he heard Goren's voice shout after him.

"See ya later, roomie." Ed shook his head and smiled.

He left the restaurant and went back to the cemetery. He walked the winding path until he came to Misha's grave. The freshly moved dirt had flowers on it that people had brought to the funeral. He set down a yellow rose that he had bought on his way over and sat down on the ground.

"I bet you never expected that kinda turn out, did you?" He asked. "I'm sorry they weren't here...but it doesn't matter...I hope you're happy now...I hope you're always happy...help me out, okay? Don't let me screw up anymore..." He sighed and looked around, then sat quietly for several minutes. "This is weird, Mish. I've spent years ignoring the past and then all the sudden, it's over. I'm not really sure how to go back. I'm not...I don't know. My brain's fried." He sat in silence even longer, than spoke again. "If I could go back in time and...change things...I would. If I could do that night over again, I would do things differently..." He closed his eyes, hoping that somehow he'd be transported back to that night. So that he could have another chance at giving her happiness. At giving himself happiness. He opened his eyes. Unfortunately, time can't be changed. He couldn't redo it. She was still gone. He stood up and pushed his hands into his pockets. He couldn't think of anything new to say to her. But then he smiled. "You know," He said out loud. "I think a great ending would be dancing in the moonlight." He kept his hands from his pockets, closed his eyes, and started dancing and singing. "They keep it loose, they keep it tight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight..."


	19. Epilogue: For Good

**Epilogue: For Good**

"_Who can say if I've been changed for the better?  
But because I knew you  
I have been changed for good."_

_Wicked _

"Madame foreperson, have you reached your verdict?"

"We have, your honor."

"What say you?"

"In the first charge of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant...guilty. In the second charge of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant...guilty. In the third charge of rape in the first degree, we find the defendant...guilty. In the fourth charge of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant..."

Ed clasped his hands together before him and closed his eyes. It had been a long couple months, and he had waited a long time for this final word. He held his breath, if only to help him hear the words better. Every muscle in his body tensed up and the air grew thick as the final word...

"Guilty."

Ed let out a sigh of relief that he had been holding in since day one. He opened his eyes and grasped onto the short wall standing between himself and the prosecutors table. Jack McCoy spun around and gave Ed an accomplished smile. Ed grabbed Jacks hands and shook them fervently. Jack patted Ed on the back. Ed glanced over and watched as Johnson was pulled out of the courtroom. Their eyes met briefly. Ed then let his eyes scan the courtroom. He saw the other detectives all lined up in one of the back rows. He smiled to all of them and nodded to them, looking each one in the eye separately. Although when his eyes reached Olivia, he smiled a little bigger and held a gaze a little longer. He felt someone grasping onto his side. He turned around and saw Tate's wife and hugged her, then hugged Nate Foster's parents. Justice. It was good.

Ed didn't waste much time socializing. He stepped outside onto the courtroom steps and breathed in the fresh air. He glanced up at the sky and smiled.

"I told you, girl. I told you I'd take care of you." He said.

"Congratulations, Ed." Came a voice from behind.

He turned around to face Olivia. "Hey." He said.

"Hi."

"It's a good day."

"Yes it is," she agreed. "What I'm curious about is where you've been these past couple months. The only time I ever see you is during this trial."

"I know. Between work and attending the trials as much as I can, and testifying...it's been crazy."

"I understand. What now? Are you going to see the sentencing tomorrow?"

"Yes. It's gonna be in the morning. Actually, I'm taking some more time off starting tomorrow. Ever since I started back I've been too busy to think. I need to get away for awhile and be on my own."

"Really? How long will you be gone?"

"Two months."

"Wow. Where you going?"

"Anywhere. Everywhere. Starting off with Europe and going from there." He said.

"Hunh. Well I hope you enjoy yourself."

"I think I will. Other than Van Buren and Fontana, not one really knows. So if people start wondering where I am, tell them I'm fine."

"I will."

They stood there quietly for a few minutes. "Are you gonna make it to the sentencing tomorrow?" He asked.

"No I won't be able to. But we'll all have our ears open for the verdict." She said.

"Good...good...in that case, before I go I have something to say."

"What's that?"

"Well I know we have that deal of me not thanking you or apologizing...which, by the way, you're the only woman I've ever met who doesn't need a man to constantly apologize." She laughed. "But, I was thinking that I should be allowed one more of each. What do you say? One more apology and one more thank you."

"By all means." She nodded. "This one time."

"Thank you for everything you've done since all of this started..and for being here for me when you didn't even have to. I really don't know what I would have done without your friendship. And I'm so glad we've become friends. So...thank you."

"You're welcome, Ed."

"And I'd like to apologize for the night I came over and...well for what I did before I left."

"Now, I already told you-"

"That's exactly my point. I dismissed it as me being a little out of it that night. We both did. And I am sorry I did that. I'm sorry because...well I could have done a hell of a lot better." He said. And he placed his hand under her chin and gently pushed her behind the stone column, tipped her head up, and kissed her properly. When he pulled away, he smiled down at her, and she still looked slightly shocked. "Now see, I already got my one apology. I don't have to apologize for that...and I don't want to." She nodded slowly, still trying to form words. He stood quietly, waiting for some sort of response.

Finally she spoke. "I hope you're planning on calling me when you come home."

"If you want me to, I will."

"Call me when you get home."

"Okay."

Ed settled in his seat on the airplane, and slipped his photo booth picture strip into the seat back in front of him. "Alright, Mish. Let's go see the world...better late than never."

_the end _

* * *

_AN: So it has been asked and I thought I would make it official knowledge...there will be a sequal in due time. I'm about 3/4ths to being finished with it. Then, as with this one, as I do final edit I will post the chapters. So if you did like this one, look for my next:) _


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